| | Joined: Nov 2010 Posts: 33 Contributing Member (25+ posts) | OP  Contributing Member (25+ posts)
Joined: Nov 2010 Posts: 33 | Well, my Mom/best friend/rock died a week ago after a long and hard fought battle with lung cancer and my husband seems to be in denial or having some kind of post traumatic stress thing going on since he was told that they could not get all of the cancer when he had surgery and he is not a candidate for reirradiation. He will most likely be on chemo for the rest of his life. He is angry and depressed and so am I. I miss my mom and I miss my husband.
CG of Mike, 43 y/o. July 2009 with Stage 4a SCC on Tonsil., Nov.2010 Recurrence on Tonsil and Base of Tongue
Surgery no clear margins. Very Invasive.Palliative chemo
7/2011: Cancer not responding to chemo, new tumor on larynx and a few other places in oropharynx
| | | | | Joined: Sep 2006 Posts: 8,311 Senior Patient Advocate Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts) | | Senior Patient Advocate Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts)
Joined: Sep 2006 Posts: 8,311 | Perhaps seek professional counseling? They are better equipped to deal with these types of issues.
David
Age 58 at Dx, HPV16+ SCC, Stage IV BOT+2 nodes, non smoker, casual drinker, exercise nut, Cisplatin x 3 & concurrent IMRT x 35,(70 Gy), no surgery, no Peg, Tx at Moffitt over Aug 06. Jun 07, back to riding my bike 100 miles a wk. Now doing 12 Spin classes and 60 outdoor miles per wk. Nov 13 completed Hilly Century ride for Cancer, 104 miles, 1st Place in my age group. Apr 2014 & 15, Spun for 9 straight hrs to raise $$ for YMCA's Livestrong Program. Certified Spin Instructor Jun 2014.
| | | | | Joined: Feb 2005 Posts: 118 Likes: 1 Senior Member (100+ posts) | | Senior Member (100+ posts)
Joined: Feb 2005 Posts: 118 Likes: 1 | Hospice organizations often offer grief support for individuals who have lost a loved one. Even if your mom did not have hospice at the end of her life, grief support may be available to you. I am so sorry for the loss of your mother.
Are there cancer support groups near you that might be helpful for you and your husband? SPOHNC and The Wellness Community are two national cancer support organizations that come to mind.
Be well. Zenda
12/04 SCC Tonsil, Stage IV T3N2BM0. Mod RND, resect right oropharynx, free-flap, resect right tongue base. Erbitux,Docetaxel,RT X 33. 6/08 Mets lung, hilar lymph node:Carboplatin, Docetaxel. 2010 2nd clinical trial:lung clear, node stable. ORN,trismus,dysphagia. 8-10/2012 cryoablation,brachytherapy,cyberknife to lymph node. 12/12 NED. 6/13 Mets RLL lung: 8/13 cyberknife. 11/13 NED.
| | | | | Joined: Nov 2002 Posts: 3,552 Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts) | | Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts)
Joined: Nov 2002 Posts: 3,552 | Denial and or bargaining are the first stage of grief and perfectly normal and to be expected. The different stages often don't come in order and multiple stages can occur simultaneously. This link will explain the process and variations to it: http://www.cancersurvivors.org/Coping/end%20term/stages.htmMost institutions and many churches offer grief support as well as hospice.
Gary Allsebrook
***********************************
Dx 11/22/02, SCC, 6 x 3 cm Polypoid tumor, rt tonsil, Stage III/IVA, T3N0M0 G1/2
Tx 1/28/03 - 3/19/03, Cisplatin ct x2, IMRT, bilateral, with boost, x35(69.96Gy)
________________________________________________________
"You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes" (James 4:14 NIV)
| | | | | Joined: Sep 2009 Posts: 701 Likes: 1 "Above & Beyond" Member (500+ posts) | | "Above & Beyond" Member (500+ posts)
Joined: Sep 2009 Posts: 701 Likes: 1 | I am so sorry that you lost your Mom. I agree with everyone here that counseling will help you deal with your grief. Your emotions can wreak havoc on you now. Please consider getting some help. If you can convince Mike to go, that would be even better. All my best to you and Mike. You don't have to do this alone.
Anita
Anita (68)
CG to husband, Clark, 79,
DX SCC 11/07, T4N0Mx, PEG 1/08, RAD, post rad infection 3/08,
HBOT 40 dives, ORN, Surg 11/09 mandibulectomy w/fibular graft.
Plastic Surg 4/10, 12/10, 3/11, 10/11, 4/12, 10/12. All PETS clear,
PEG out 1/11. 6/11 non union jaw fracture
Fractured jaw w/surgery 7/14
Aspiration pneumonia 7/21, 10/22
PEG 7/21
Botox injections
| | | | | Joined: May 2010 Posts: 135 Senior Member (100+ posts) | | Senior Member (100+ posts)
Joined: May 2010 Posts: 135 | Dorety, I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your mom. It is such a great loss. I lost my mother to ovarian cancer when I was 19 in 1978 and still miss her. Wish there were words to ease your pain but there are none. Counseling could be very helpful, especially since your grief is complicated by the anticipatory grief with hubby's illness. Will keep you in thought and prayer.
Dodie
Aunt diag. 2/4/10 with SCC Stage I/II on left side of tongue. Surgery 2/19/10 part. gloss./neck diss. on left side/free flap from chest muscle. TI/II,NO,MO. Clear margins with perineural invasion. Started rads 4/8/10 - 35 treatments, finished 5/26/10.
| | | | | Joined: Aug 2010 Posts: 9 Member | | Member
Joined: Aug 2010 Posts: 9 | So sorry about the death of your Mom. Life has been really tough for you of late. I hope things become easier for both you and your hausband. Counselling really does help. Thinking of you both.
Gail
Female 62
Tongue cancer Stage 3 T2 N1 M0 SCC G2
Surgery Queen Victoria Hospital, East Grinstead, England: 24th May 2010
Left partial glossectomy,
left functional neck dissection, radial forearm free flap reconstruction,
skin grafting to flap donor site
| | | | | Joined: Jun 2007 Posts: 10,507 Likes: 7 Administrator, Director of Patient Support Services Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts) | | Administrator, Director of Patient Support Services Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts)
Joined: Jun 2007 Posts: 10,507 Likes: 7 | Janice, Ive wondered how you were making out. Im sorry that you have lost your mother and that Mike is upset. Of course he would be upset, anyone would be. Being a caregiver is a difficult, thankless task. I dont think I would have the grace as what I have seen from the caregivers on this forum. You really have alot going on right now and I dont know how you can handle it all. A therapist isnt just for the patients, same for the anxiety or anti-depressant meds. Your situation is a great example of why caregivers need to take a few minutes for themselves. Are you able to get out with a friend and do something you enjoy? Something to take your mind off everything, go see a movie or get a manicure. Both are quick and inexpensive ways to pamper yourself with the gift of time just for you.
Remember we have a special section on the forum devoted to caregivers. This is a place to let it all hang out and we will support you. We are here to lean on when you feel the need. Take things day by day, sometimes hour by hour. As a caregiver, you have your hands full. Im sure reading other caregivers posts would be helpful too.
I will keep your family in my prayers. Wishing you a good day.
ChristineSCC 6/15/07 L chk & by L molar both Stag I, age44 2x cispltn-35 IMRT end 9/27/07 -65 lbs in 2 mo, no caregvr Clear PET 1/08 4/4/08 recur L chk Stag I surg 4/16/08 clr marg 215 HBO dives 3/09 teeth out, trismus 7/2/09 recur, Stg IV 8/24/09 trach, ND, mandiblctmy 3wks medicly inducd coma 2 mo xtended hospital stay, ICU & burn unit PICC line IV antibx 8 mo 10/4/10, 2/14/11 reconst surg OC 3x in 3 years very happy to be alive  | | | | | Joined: Apr 2005 Posts: 2,219 Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts) | | Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts)
Joined: Apr 2005 Posts: 2,219 | Janice,
I'm so sorry to hear the news of your mom's passing. What you and Mike are going through right now is just so unfair.
You have been given some great advice from the most caring people that I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.
I hope that you can find a source of counseling for both Mike and yourself.
Jerry
Retired Dentist, 59 years old at diagnosis. SCC of the left lateral border of the tongue (Stage I). Partial glossectomy and 30 nodes removed, 4/6/05. Nodes all clear. No chemo no radiation 18 year survivor.
"Whatever doesn't kill me, makes me stronger"
| | | | | Joined: Nov 2010 Posts: 33 Contributing Member (25+ posts) | | OP Contributing Member (25+ posts)
Joined: Nov 2010 Posts: 33 | Thank you everyone for your kind words. WHen my mom died, I felt like I lost my Mom, my best friend and my home all in one day but she was a very strong woman and I got her jeans so I will work through that. THis has just been such a life changing experience for me and I can only imagine what it is doing to Mike and has done to you guys. Mike is going for counseling and I will probably go as well but I have to work full time and take care of two little ones so time is an issue for me but I'll fit it in somewhere. You are all such an inspiration, I wish I could get Mike to get on here....Iknow you guys could help him through this......well, maybe someday I'll get him on the computer....lol
CG of Mike, 43 y/o. July 2009 with Stage 4a SCC on Tonsil., Nov.2010 Recurrence on Tonsil and Base of Tongue
Surgery no clear margins. Very Invasive.Palliative chemo
7/2011: Cancer not responding to chemo, new tumor on larynx and a few other places in oropharynx
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