| Joined: Jun 2009 Posts: 138 Senior Member (100+ posts) | Senior Member (100+ posts) Joined: Jun 2009 Posts: 138 | OMG, that is just heartbreaking to hear how he is treating you and how the other caretakers are being treated. I can't imagine. Maybe they need to have a taste of being left to their own to talk to the walls like myself and others. My daughter was a great caregiver during my treatment, but as soon as I was done she was off with her life. And I don't blame her.
I know my family loves me but they don't want to be saddled with my problems either. As an example, we went to a basketball game today. My sister was complaining she should be doing Christmas shopping instead of being at the game. I said, because it's true, that the only reason I had mine done was because I tried to get something each time I was out for a doctor's visit or something because I didn't know if I would be here for Christmas. They immediately shut me off telling me not to talk like that. In other words, don't put a cloud on their happy lives like a Debbie Downer.
Your boyfriends, husbands, sons, sisters, whatever, should be so fortunate to have a person trying to care for them. I just feel terrible that you are being abused. And I don't blame you for being scared CM. He will probably be a terror when he's let out. Dang - don't even know what to tell you. What a shame.
BOT-SCC Partial glossectomy 7/16/09. Stage IV, Rt ND 10/2/09. Teeth out 11/5/09. Port/peg in, 11/20/09. 7 wks rad & chemo, end 1/22/10 lung, colon biopsies 1/9/11 - both cancer colon resect surg 1/10/11 Folfox + Avastin - discontinued 6/11 lung surgery 3/13/12, 5/1/12 mets to liver and bones passed away 9/4/13
| | | | Joined: Aug 2010 Posts: 75 Supporting Member (50+ posts) | Supporting Member (50+ posts) Joined: Aug 2010 Posts: 75 | Stand firm, don't waiver, you did the right thing. You must care for yourself first. If you don't you won't be able to care for your children or him.
CG to sp age 53 4/10 BOT IVb 6/10 Ttl Gloss Lrngectmy L Mndbltmy 5+ Nodes 7/10 Cispl & Rad 1/11 recur lung mets 2/11 Clin Tr Erb Carb 5FU last 5/11 7/11 Tumor growth began wkly Bleo, Taxol, Carbo 10/28/11 Hospice; Passed 11/7/11
| | | | Joined: Nov 2006 Posts: 2,671 Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts) | Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts) Joined: Nov 2006 Posts: 2,671 | CM - I agree with Gerri - You certainly did the right thing and you MUST take care of yourself. I don't have experience as CG to a husband, but my ex-husband was an alcoholic and there were many times when I had to rush out of the house with 3 children and find a safe place to stay. I didn't have relatives or friends that I could call on (I was always too ashamed to let anyone know how we were being treated) and I usually ended up at a motel until the "storm" of his alcoholic wrath passed. You have to take practical steps, even if his "good side" has returned. If it has returned tomorrow, make sure you extract a promise in front of others that there will be NO guns. Make sure you have a bag packed with clothes or necessities in it in case you have to leave in a hurry. Hide the check book, get your own checking account, find a secret place for any cash you can put aside, extra keys, etc. Check with the doctor to see if perhaps his meds may be affecting his mood. Some meds do bring on depression or suicidal thoughts. And cancer can certainly make anyone depressed or angry. But most important are the steps you take to keep you and your children safe. I hope that tomorrow turns out safe and well for you and everyone in your family. Please let us know how it goes.
Anne-Marie CG to son, Paul (age 33, non-smoker) SCC Stage 2, Surgery 9/21/06, 1/6 tongue Rt.side removed, +48 lymph nodes neck. IMRTx28 completed 12/19/06. CT scan 7/8/10 Cancer-free! ("spot" on lung from scar tissue related to Pneumonia.)
| | | | Joined: Sep 2006 Posts: 8,311 Senior Patient Advocate Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts) | Senior Patient Advocate Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts) Joined: Sep 2006 Posts: 8,311 | Make sure that EVERYONE involved from the Judge on down knows what you know. Hopefully the Judge can hold him over and refer him for a psych exam. Call the police today and see what influence you can have in this short time frame.
Killing himself is one thing but killing innocent people around him is quite another.
David
Age 58 at Dx, HPV16+ SCC, Stage IV BOT+2 nodes, non smoker, casual drinker, exercise nut, Cisplatin x 3 & concurrent IMRT x 35,(70 Gy), no surgery, no Peg, Tx at Moffitt over Aug 06. Jun 07, back to riding my bike 100 miles a wk. Now doing 12 Spin classes and 60 outdoor miles per wk. Nov 13 completed Hilly Century ride for Cancer, 104 miles, 1st Place in my age group. Apr 2014 & 15, Spun for 9 straight hrs to raise $$ for YMCA's Livestrong Program. Certified Spin Instructor Jun 2014.
| | | | Joined: Sep 2009 Posts: 126 Senior Member (100+ posts) | Senior Member (100+ posts) Joined: Sep 2009 Posts: 126 | Monday the judge will probably order a Mental Health exam and hopefully a committment. It is important to remember that this is not something you did TO him, it is something he has done to himself by the choices that he has made. Sometimes people need a committment before they are willing to seek help.
Sharon
Sharon, 57; Hard Palate; T1, High Grade, DX 6-12-09, Surgery, maxillectomy 7-14-09, 33 RT (9-2-09 to 10-19-09); Prothesis (obturator). None smoker, non drinker.
| | | | Joined: Jun 2007 Posts: 10,507 Likes: 7 Administrator, Director of Patient Support Services Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts) | Administrator, Director of Patient Support Services Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts) Joined: Jun 2007 Posts: 10,507 Likes: 7 | Im sorry to read about how things snowballed into a huge mess yesterday. Most important thing is that everyone is safe. Wishing you good luck tomorrow. I hope that your husband comes to his senses and realizes what he has done. He must be suffering so much as Im sure you are as well. May your family find peace and the ability to move past this. ChristineSCC 6/15/07 L chk & by L molar both Stag I, age44 2x cispltn-35 IMRT end 9/27/07 -65 lbs in 2 mo, no caregvr Clear PET 1/08 4/4/08 recur L chk Stag I surg 4/16/08 clr marg 215 HBO dives 3/09 teeth out, trismus 7/2/09 recur, Stg IV 8/24/09 trach, ND, mandiblctmy 3wks medicly inducd coma 2 mo xtended hospital stay, ICU & burn unit PICC line IV antibx 8 mo 10/4/10, 2/14/11 reconst surg OC 3x in 3 years very happy to be alive | | | | Joined: May 2010 Posts: 135 Senior Member (100+ posts) | Senior Member (100+ posts) Joined: May 2010 Posts: 135 | CM, Thank God he went jail and didn't do serious harm to you or your family. Hopefully the judge ordered the psych exam. I am also wondering at this point if his head has been scanned? Is it possible that the cancer has made it way to the brain? The meds could contribute to the mood swings and irrational thoughts as well as drinking alcohol. Both Wheels and Ann-Marie are spot on.
Another possiblity is that Matt has resigned himself to a death of this cancer and the anger is part of his grief. And fear is very very often displayed by anger. If he comes home, perhaps remembering that his anger is just part of his coping, you can avoid taking things personally and just offer understanding. That said, your safety and the saftey of your children are priority one and trumps anything else.
Please let us hear from you. Feel free to call me if you like.
Dodie
Aunt diag. 2/4/10 with SCC Stage I/II on left side of tongue. Surgery 2/19/10 part. gloss./neck diss. on left side/free flap from chest muscle. TI/II,NO,MO. Clear margins with perineural invasion. Started rads 4/8/10 - 35 treatments, finished 5/26/10.
| | | | Joined: Jul 2010 Posts: 531 "Above & Beyond" Member (500+ posts) | "Above & Beyond" Member (500+ posts) Joined: Jul 2010 Posts: 531 | omg...how bad is this? men. really? and why haven't we heard from her today? it is Monday and he did get out. has anyone spoken to her? it's 717pm est she should have posted something.
CG to Ron Out of Pain 4/3/13 4/12-lung and under chin growth no treatment 1/13/12 lung biopsy 6/11 recur 6/30 resection #2 Clear margins Clear 12/10 Surg 5/13/10 neck dis/nodes part gloss/flap R thigh all teeth out RAD 30 8/10 DX 4/2/10 "Oral Cavity" T3NOMO 12/28/07 Non Hodg Lymph remission 7/08 passed away 4.3.15, RIP Ron, you are greatly missed
| | | | Joined: Jul 2009 Posts: 280 Gold Member (200+ posts) | OP Gold Member (200+ posts) Joined: Jul 2009 Posts: 280 | I'm so sorry that it's taken me this long to post that I am okay and he is out. I think I slept two hours all weekend. The judge here was only interested in guilty or innocent pleas today so, Matt plead not guilty and was automatically given orders to stay 500 feet away from my son and I until his court date in February. I was like SERIOUSLY????? Time is too precious to waste months AND no freaking way am I missing a doc appointment with him. I tried talking to the court clerk, she put me on hold for two seconds only to come back on the line saying that the judge didn't care that he had cancer, it stood as is. I went to see a lawyer today who feels confident he can get the order lifted and my husband home so that I can get him help. Penners - Its interesting that you mentioned the brain... its been a few weeks back that Matt told me his thinking had changed inside and he was shocked/afraid of some things going through his mind. He was afraid too that it may have met. to his brain already. The oncology team here seems to have him pigeonholed into "standard" occurances and have not really examined his brain. The last scan, believe it or not was merely a chest CT. SO - Wednesday lawyer will talk to judge, in the mean time I will be setting up counselor for the family as a whole and individually. Further treatment for this wretched disease will commence likely at another facility that can better care for my husband as a whole and not just do s.o.p. and call it a day. Much love and appreciation to all of you who are sometimes the only support I have to turn to in this crazy time. Christine
CG to my husband, Matt. Dx June 2009 Stage IV Oropharengeal SCC right tonsil primary with distant metastases. Rad to neck- Surgeries to lungs- Every avail chemo - ran out of options Jan 2012, called for hospice help Feb 2012, at rest March 19, 2012.
| | | | Joined: Jun 2007 Posts: 10,507 Likes: 7 Administrator, Director of Patient Support Services Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts) | Administrator, Director of Patient Support Services Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts) Joined: Jun 2007 Posts: 10,507 Likes: 7 | Im so sorry that this has turned into such a big mess. The judge doesnt sound like they are very caring. Not everything is black and white. Im glad that everyone is alright. Its still a very sad problem for everyone involved. My prayers go out to you and your family. ChristineSCC 6/15/07 L chk & by L molar both Stag I, age44 2x cispltn-35 IMRT end 9/27/07 -65 lbs in 2 mo, no caregvr Clear PET 1/08 4/4/08 recur L chk Stag I surg 4/16/08 clr marg 215 HBO dives 3/09 teeth out, trismus 7/2/09 recur, Stg IV 8/24/09 trach, ND, mandiblctmy 3wks medicly inducd coma 2 mo xtended hospital stay, ICU & burn unit PICC line IV antibx 8 mo 10/4/10, 2/14/11 reconst surg OC 3x in 3 years very happy to be alive | | |
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