I need help
Well here is an update ..last Wednesday I was admitted to St Marys Hopsital in Amsterdam after having a minor stroke. Of course on the MRI they have found some other things -an infection in the left jaw which they aren't sure if it has to do with the cancer. and they found that I have a 2mm tonsillar ectopia in other words I have Chiari type I malformation which is a downward displacement of brain tissue, specifically the cerebellar tonsils. The Chiari malformation usually causes problems in adults

Headache
The headache which is associated with Chiari malformation generally begins in the neck, or the skull base area. The pain is generally described as sharp, throbbing or pulsating. Pain radiates throughout the back of the head, into the frontal areas and often around or behind the eyes. The headache may be brought on by cough, sneeze, bending forward or straining. Duration of the headache can last from minutes to hours. The headache may be associated with nausea, but usually not vomiting.

Dysphagia
Persons may report difficulty swallowing either liquids or solid foods, or a feeling of "catching" in the throat when attempting to swallow. The progression of this symptom may be rapid, suggesting the possibility of aspiration if undetected. If you have this symptom, your health care provider should be notified as soon as possible.

Pain
Persons may complain of neck or upper extremity (arm) pain. Often, the pain is worse with exertion, fatigue, or lifting. Pain can be described as dull and aching, or shooting and stabbing. Pain on one side is more commonly reported than pain on both sides equally. Along with the pain, some patients experience weakness of the hand or arm, or incoordination of fine movements of the hand.

Hoarseness
Changes in voice character and timbre is a common complaint. Hoarseness is often noted first by the person's friends or family members. Some persons will report inability to modulate the voice for singing or speaking loudly. Slurred speech has been reported, however, this is a less common complaint.

Numbness
Tingling, numbness or pins and needles (proprioceptive disturbances)sensation can also accompany the pain, usually in the same areas as the pain. Again, the numbness is generally on one side only. Numbness can progress over months to years to involve the lower extremities and trunk.

Visual disturbance
Persons may complain of various visual disturbances, from blurred vision to double vision (diplopia). Nystagmus (nis-tag-mus), or bobbing of the eyes is a common finding. This is often described by the person as "bobbing" of the eyes when looking downward or to the side . Difficulty driving or reading may be reported by the person, due to "blind spots" in the eyes. Some persons do not report any visual changes, and the nystagmus is noted on clinical evaluation.

Ataxia
Gait disturbance can be described as unsteadiness, or listing to one side. Persons may report falling, or bumping into walls or doors when walking. Infrequently, patients may present with spasticity (stiffness) of the lower extremities, which results in gait disturbance.

Syncope
Episodes of passing out or loss of consciousness are reported in the literature, however, this is a less common complaint. The episodes are unpredictable and brief, lasting from 30 seconds to 2 minutes, associated with loss of consciousness, and prompt, complete recovery. Drop attacks have been also been reported in the literature, however, less commonly in the adult population. There are generally no symptoms of seizure and no state of confusion after the event. Persons may also complain of occasional vertigo, without loss of consciousness.

Various other symptoms may occur, which may include- Nausea, vomiting, dizziness, dysequilibrium, nosebleeds, fast or slow heart beat, high or low blood pressure, ringing in the ears, hearing loss, depression, shortness of breath, and fatigue
Surgery is the treatment.

I am at my witts end and have cried for days and thought of doing horrible things ...as though the cancer isn't enough nor the strokes, nor the husband that says horrible things to me such as he is waiting for me to die so he can piss on my grave..PLEASE someone give me some ideas on how to find sanity. I cry and cry unitl the medicines put me to sleep, and then he bitches I am sleeping. This is all so new to me but I have been doing the cancer thing for 7 months. Now strokes and now this and ughhhhhhhhh.. I was ready to go back to work In Sept but now who knows. I think that is why Joe finds me unworthy because I dont work. I can't do divorce now and deal with all of this, I just cant ..I am in NO FRAME OF MIND..please some one help me ..tell me where to go or what to do .....I am losing my mind. I don't have any strength left in me I don't think.. for somone to tell me I am worthless as I don't work and all ..I want to go back to work and a LARGE part of me wants to LEAVE - but can I do it know now? With NOTHING and NO good health phyiscally or mentally. I fell today and I am all bruised. PLease tell me I can do this, and help me figure it out. The tears just keeep falling ...I am scared and scaring myself about doing something i dont wanna do.

sharlee - I wish you would see one of the social workers at the hospital about the situation with your husband. This needs some kind of intervention. Your cancer docs should be able to put you in touch with the consulting psychiatry department docs to help you get thorugh this, you shouldn't have to go through this without prfessional support and help. Please seek this out tomorrow and let us know what you find out.

Sharlee,
It sounds like your husband needs to find other arrangements while you take care of your medical needs. From one woman to another, if a man ever said something like that to me in my darkest times............he would be out the front door with a quickness. He has anger issues that have no place in what you need right now, so you need to distance yourself from him. What a cold man he must be.

I agree with Brian, get some professional help with this.
Minnie

Sharlee - I definitely agree with the above. You need to take care of yourself and get some help! Any mother at home taking care of 5 children is doing a superhuman job. And that is not even mentioning taking care of a house, a husband and volunteering. Making a decision like distancing yourself from this person is very difficult but you have to do it for yourself, your health and your sanity and for your children. So many women stay in a bad situation because they are afraid of the unknown and because it seems better to put up with the familiar as painful and horrible as it is and because "maybe he will change". I know, I stayed in an abusive relationship for 20 years with an alcoholic. I kept trying to "fix" him. You cannot change or fix anybody but yourself. So please do as Brian suggests and do it today! You are way too important to us and to your children and especially to yourself. The first step in making a change is the hardest but you CAN DO IT!

Shar: Is there a family member would could either take your kids for a little while, or could actually come in and help you out? This situation is (should be) about YOU, and YOU only!

After getting someone to help out with your kids, go check in to a battered women's shelter, if you must, to get OUT of this desperate setting! Go to the ER and tell them you're suicidal; I promise someone will help you! Just DO SOMETHING!

DO post and let us know what is going on...WE ALL CARE about you!

Lois

Oh Sharlee--you've been so brave and upbeat all this time--no wonder you feel so bad right now!

Take the advice already given---get help from the professionals.

We're all thinking of you!

Brenda

shar e-mail me anytime

love liz

I went to my counsler ..joe will not go ..however he is recomending that I go into more intense counseling at this time and that I need an anti-depressant. We will see ..my best friend has been with me the past 2 nights until 10 pm or so . I think when my mind is clearer and my health is better the reality of it is my marriage may be over ,,,of course I guess in some ways ii is now

Hello Sharlee

YOU MUST TAKE THE ABOVE GIVEN ADVISE NOW!

Most of us know our own personal stories besides the big "C" story. I must tell you that you must do what you need to do now. I hit rock bottom and found out that I must quit, ME, I, NO I, just I. On top of that very hard process I knew I could change my life.

I got the cancer and I still quit. I may die from cancer, but I am a sober man and I will die sober.

You must now GHANGE YOURSELF. Read the letter my wife wrote to You. This is too much for you to handle but with all of our support you can do this.

Call me, there is too much to say.

The lady is a certified therapist and she wants to help you.
My family loves me very much ad I did it FOR ME and them. Not one else would.
`````````````````````````````
Please call. We must talk person to person. I am not typing fast enough to keep a keyboard going and this is be beyond cancer. It is just something that Must be done now.

Please call me. Everything can be saved, but now you must save your family. If he won

Oh Sharlee - You are such a strong courageous person! I'm so glad you went to the counselor. Don't worry about whether Joe will go - think about YOU and taking care of your needs and your health. Thank goodness for best friends and that you've had someone with you. I'm sending BIG hugs your way.

Dear Sharlee,
What a time for you to have to face all of this. I hope that everyone's good advice has been of help to you. I hope that your friends and the rest of your family can give you the support, love and care you deserve to help you through all of this. Everyone's right, this is about you. You have given so much to others, don't be scared to ask for something back.
With every best wish,
Georgia

Hey Shar,
I agree with everyone. You need to think about yourself first. Think of when you are on a plane and the flight attendants say for you to use your oxygen before you try to help anyone else....you need to take care of you before anyone else. Where are the grandparents? Are they able to come and help with the kids?
Joe is robbing you of energy, which you know is very important to your overall fight.
Somehow you need to focus on you.
You can do this!

Sharlee,
This is classic emotional abuse - making the woman feel worthless, like she can't do any better.
I expect your husband is feeling weak at the uncontrolable circumstances & the way he deals with it is by making you feel as though you're niot good enough. When actually HE'S the one that isn't good enough for you!
Even if you get through all this mess together, you'll NEVER forget the way he's behaved. You need to concentrate on getting you better right now. Respite would be good.
How can ou heal when he's bringing you down? Think of yourself.
You're in our thoughts.
Michelle

Sharlee,

Ditto, Ditto and Ditto!! All the above is, at this point, essential for your well being.
You need some assistance and the Hospital can steer you in the right direction. Don't wait...your focus should be on you.
Your husband should also talk to someone he seems to have his own issues.
e-mail me anytime.
I hope everything starts to improve, my prayers are for you right now. Don't ever give up!!

Take care of you!!
Mike

Sharlee,
I know how u feel my husband is a name caller too,somtimes i just want to get up an smack him.e-mail me call me we can talk because u real really do need to seek help.Good Luck too you please call me or e-mail me at any time
your friend
lynn

Sharlee,
I know how u feel my husband is a name caller too,somtimes i just want to get up an smack him.e-mail me call me we can talk because u real really do need to seek help.Good Luck too you please call me or e-mail me at any time
your friend
lynn

Sharlee, I went through a very rough time with my marriage right after a year of cancer treatment for two cancers. We ended up staying together but it didn't look like we would for a while. However, I will say that my husband was never verbally abusive as yours is being. Staying with someone doing that to you is far more toxic to you than if he just walked right out the door and never came back, although you may not feel that way right now.

Although I know it feels unfair to confront illness and a marriage falling apart at the same time, you can do it. Poeple get through all sorts of things they never thought they could and this will just be one of them for you. but PLEASE do not let yourself put up with this verbal abuse for much longer. Lean on your friends and your relatives who are close by and can help care for your kids as much as you can and get yourself a good divorce lawyer right now.

Nelie

Sharlee - Please do get some help. Don't wait. I think you mentioned in a previous post that alcohol may be a problem for your husband, and if you wait, the emotional abuse could easily escalate into physical abuse. I waited too long, my children suffered and that is no way to live for anyone especially when there are other serious health issues to deal with. There is a better life for you and your children out there. Take care of YOU. Email me if you want to talk and I will call you.

Sharlee,
Take strength from here, keep reading when you feel there's nowhere else to turn, keep taking your tablets, get friends/relatives to take you to appointments, and ask for---and accept--all help you can get to get outta there!

Or, is there anyone you trust who could tell Joe HE must go??

Take care, look after YOU--kids are more resilient than you think--and remeber we're all here for you

Brenda

Shar: Please post and let us know that you're okay!

Hello Shar, I agree with everything above and then some. You have to come first right now. Try to find some support anywhere. A friend, family member, your counselor. I think separating from a negative atmoshpere would do you good. You have so much going on right now. You need to find somewhere where you can rest and heal. I know that people around you can want so much from you- it's like you're not allowed to be sick or anything. They are just scared, but at the same time that can't be your problem right now. I hope things start to sort out, and you can get on with your treatment and positive wellbeing.

Sharlee, Hello I just joined this site because I have the C word and when I read your post I was horrified. Why would you think you had no where to turn? That man is dragging you down when he should be pulling you up. Put his butt out the door if you haven't already there are way too many womens groups that can help you. I had to leave a very abusive husband with four children and was scared to death. But it was leave or most likly be killed. Now I have raised my four children only to find out that I have this problem and guess what my daughters are there for me.I hope things have gotten better for you. I am not a real religous person but I am a believer. I know that God is watching over me and my family as I know He is watching over you. He will stand beside you and send your bully husband where bullies deserve to go. Brenda