I agree with Gary,David and Lee. Addicts have to want to change. That is what I referred to in my earlier post. My mother, who had just turned 50, died from this addiction. We did everything to help her, interventions, the finest treatment centers, AA & Al Anon, yet she chose to drink. Liz, listern to your heart, do what you have to do for your peace of mind and health. My thoughts are with you. Linda

Liz, my heart goes out to you. What a predicament. I know that you are being torn apart. One question is whether life is better where you can see what's happening, or apart, where you are constantly conflicted and disturbed.\

I like the idea of personal counseling....someone you pay to listen just to YOU! Wouldn't that feel good??....

and I really like Gary's suggestion of a family intervention....meeting with a professional who can keep the discussion civil and goal-oriented..a place where all can say what they feel in a safe environment and can come to some agreement on the next step. At least everyone would understand each other better. Others can be included if the professional thinks it is a good idea. You would want to meet with the prof. first, though you have to be careful that he/she is not perceived by Robin as someone hired by you so you can get your way....He needs to feel that HIS opinions and feelings are equally important. It's a nice, safe way to get feelings out in the open.

I have spoken to Rob over the last few days and he didnt seem to bad until yesterday when he admitted to feeling really poorly.He saw our GP this evening and he had a fit!!!Rob has a sceptic fistula going from his neck through to the bottom of his mouth.His brother says he smells of rotting flesh.The doctor dressed the wound and phoned the head and neck surgeon.Rob has to go to the hospital ward where he had his surgery at 7.45 tomorrow morning.
I am paralysed with two different emotions.
Firstly guilt because this would never have happened if i hadnt left,and secondly why why why has no one out of his family and friends has done anything about it or has helped him.
He says he couldnt go to the doctor because he was on holiday but there are 5 other GPs in the practice,how can he let himself get in this state?
I rang his brother this evening and asked him to go to the hospital with him but Rob flatly refused to let him.I rung Rob and said he must let Paul help him and he told me to leave him alone!!

I dont have a choice do i? I am the only one who can handle him and i will have to go.

On a more practical note ,how serious can this be? I guess it has happened because he wont take the nutrition he needs,but that is what we had our last fight about.I told him and told him this would happen and i dont take any pleasure for being proved right.

Just at the moment i am trapped in my village by burst rivers flooding the roads,we have had unprecedented rain and winds over the last few days and i only just got into the village before the road was closed this evening for i dont know how long .The gods seem to be against me and i know this is punishment for my selfish behaviour.

Oi Liz---stop beating yourself up NOW!!!
The weather has conspired to trap you--tonite we have a 'refugee' family staying with us--Ray's family plus 2 dogs who have been flooded out!

And Rob knows you're stuck and he's a grown man who can ask his brother to go with him or not.
Of course you're wracked with guilt---you're a woman--but he has to take some responsibility for himself, he can't keep manipulating you.
I know he's in a 'black-hole' and cancer is a horrible thing, but how much use will you be to him anyway if YOU'RE a wreck????

Take a deep breath Liz, take care of yourself.
Of course you're worried sick, but don't forget you are NOT God and this is NOT YOUR FAULT.
Your behaviour has not been selfish, it's been self-presevatory.

When you can get to him, do what you can, but also don't let yourself be abused---and don't put yourself at risk in this weather trying to get there before it's safe! Keep in touch with him and his family and friends and don't feel guilty as the weather is beyond your control.
Glad you got back to the village safely---keep your chin up Liz, we're rooting for you---and for Robin--he's getting looked at/after tomorrow and if he won't have his brother look after him, the hospital will arrange something!
love Brenda

You know, Liz, we can only do the best we can do with what we have. I believe we only have to answer to ourselves and whatever spiritual realm/medium we believe in. You have no doubt, done your best and Robin must also deal with what he chooses to deal with at the time.

Hang in there. There's nothing easy about the role you are in.

Best Wishes,

Ed

Liz, in no way is Robin's situation your fault. You cannot change anyone but yourself, and right now you must take Brenda's words to heart. This is absolutely NOT your fault. Robin is an adult. He is apparently in denial about his drinking, his cancer, and his health. You cannot change that. Please realize that Robin makes his own choices and you are not responsible for that. If you must go to him, do not do so until you can go safely, and do not stay if he is abusive. One of the hardest things I have had to learn is that I cannot *fix* people who do not want to be fixed. At some point you may have to decide whether your compassion and emotions are being wasted. Please, take care of yourself first!

Rob was admitted to hospital yesterday.they cleaned out the fistula swabbed and packed it and have told him he has to stay until it is healed,which he says means he will be in for a couple of days!!!(i didnt enlighten him),but true to form he told them he couldnt stay yesterday and would come back in the morning.I rang his best friend and arranged for him to pick him up and take him,which he did at 9.30 this morning.So at last i will sleep a bit easier tonight.I am still cut off from the south of the country with the two roads south still closed by floods and not much prospect of better weather coming but i know he is safe and being cared for.I will go down when he goes home and maybe try to get him to come home with me for a while. The nutritionist has also been to see him and is going to sort him out today.so hopefully crisis averted for now.

I am sorry i have not been very supportive in the forum over the last few days,but my head has been all over the place.

I promise to do better,and hope everyone is coping with your own particular burdens ok.

love liz

Hey Liz, I fully agree with Bren. The bottom line is my health is my responsibility. A caregiver can help with all of their rescources, but if I refuse to take care of myself, their efforts are just wasted.

I'm going to say this and then leave it alone. When I was actively drinking I figured out that when my behavior ran people off, my pityful state would bring them back. If he can't let his brother help him, it's clear he doesn't want help he just wants you. It is a classic reaction of someone in Robin's position. Search your heart and do what you have to do, but take care of yourself. He is an adult and will have to accept responsibility for his life at some point. You can't keep doing it for him. Good Luck

Rob had a PET scan done yesterday and has to see the surgeon on Thursday.I am driving down on Tuesday morning to go to the hospital with him and try to get some sense out of someone.
Is it not a bit early for a PET scan? or do you think they may think it is back?Rob is convinced it is and that they lied to him in the beginning about his prognosis,i know they didnt but i am concerned.
The fistula is being packed daily and seems to be healing,and the doctor has given him medicaton to help him sleep