so far so good. My sweetheart is one strong man, physically and emotionally. One chemo and 12 IMRT's down and he's doing GREAT. Using his PEG well and dealing with not tolerating amiphostine and loosing his sense of taste. It's ME that's freaked and blue. I worry about laying my trip on him. Maybe I'm being hypervigilant and even (worse) thin skinned, but I just lost one close friend to cancer two weeks prior to my sweethearts diagnosis. Where do I lay this and how to you caregivers get juiced up without draining it out of your cancer fighter?

Dear Thalia, Please read this response keeping in mind that a 66 yr. old retired English teacher is responding to you "Freaked and blue" is a very normal response to your situation. "Scared, worried and depressed" are other descriptions that come to mind. As to "laying your trip on him"-telling someone you love that you care and want to whatever you can to be there for him is good, and expressing your fear and pain for his situation is honest. How does a caregiver get "juiced up"? Well, in my experience, it comes from within. How strong are you? How committed are you? How deep can you dig to get both of you through this? AND please don't forget the people here who will help you along the way. It takes a team to fight this disease. Amy in the Ozarks

sorry...I'm just too raw and rough to be very pristine in my expression. What I mean by juice is probably fortitude. You ask me how strong and commited I am? Probably more commited than strong and terrified as a result. You see...I am truly clinicaly depressed from my recent loss and yet the only thing that really keeps me here is my love and care for my loved ones. Children, lover, friends....I have lost all sense of what I need and I cling to what I can give as my only venue for meaning. I am lost lost lost but still, somehow, shining in love

Hi, hang in there.if your area has a support group go to it. I went my myself. 'cause my husband wanted nothing to do with it. It was the best thing I did for myself. Also this forum is a blessing.When you think you are alone you find out others went before you. What a great gift of fortitude this board is. Looks like my husband has the same treatment schedule as yours. We are just about to start our 3/ 5FU Its a long struggle and a long hard journey but we get there hour by hour. Please know you are not alone. Keeping you in our prayers. Lady J

Thalia, being committed is GOOD,and stenght is something we all dig for during a time like this. What are you doing to cope with your clinical depression? You must find some ways to take care of yourself while you are taking care of others.Amy in the Oz