After all the hell we ALL went through during treatment, my husband is drinking again. He survived Stage IV HPV positive oral cancer and must think he's invincible. I can't take this. I'm thinking about leaving him. He just had his second clean scan. The doctor even told him that he must not drink because there isn't enough data to know if the alcohol could have been a contributing factor in his cancer.

Hi Believe,

I see you made others posts but this is the first one I read. I apologize in advance if I ask a question you have already discusses.

First, I'm sorry for your frustration. You mentioned that you are thinking of leaving him. How long have you been married? Is your husband the type of man you can talk to? Has he explained his reason for drinking? Does he drink a lot? Sorry for all of the questions, I'm just trying to see the bigger picture.

The docs do say oral cancer and drinking do not go together. None of us should be drinking in excess. I will have a glass of red wine sometimes but that's about it.

I hope we can help you through this.

How much does he drink?

What does he drink?

How old is he?

Actually leaving him might just be the worse thing you could do for him, cancer-wise.

We've been together for 11 years. He always drank heavily and his drink is VODKA. He was sober during treatment and during recovery but now he is back at it. I've talked with him. He said that he isn't ready to give it up. George is 52. He doesn't drink every night but when he does drink, he drinks enough to "tie one on." Said that he doesn't see the point in stopping since it probably wasn't what caused it (HPV positive). It was hell for him, for me, our family. I am exhausted and frustrated. It is such a slap in the face for me that, after all we went through together, he would choose this?! He knows it worries me but says that it "shouldn't." I liken it to playing russian roulette. I don't want to be there when the gun goes off. I'm angry. Please help.

Hi, Believe -

I'm so sorry for this additional stress of your husband's problem drinking and his denial. My dad was an alcoholic - he stopped drinking before he developed his cancers, but everyone was convinced that heavy drinking and smoking caused them.

Whether your husband is an alcoholic, or not, the best thing you can do is to get yourself to an Alanon meeting to help you deal with this. You have to realize that it's his problem, not yours - the change has to come from him; you can't force it. At this point, he's not ready to change.

My husband also had a problem with drinking. I attended a few Alanon meetings without his knowing - he never found out. It helped me and my attitude toward him, and eventually, our relationship.

I know it's hard to not separate his cancer, all you've gone through, and his drinking, but they are different issues. Staying sober during treatment didn't guarantee he would remain sober permanently, unfortunately. I wish you luck because it's not easy to live with someone who travels the path of self destruction.

Good luck - you certainly need it.

Marlene

You can't force him to change; he has to want to. The only thing you can change is how you react to/deal with his behavior. Al-Anon can be very, very helpful in that regard.

Hi
my husband drank before,during and after his cancer,the doctors here were in no doubt that his alchohol use contributed to his cancer,but it didn't stop him nothing could,no pleading,no begging,not leaving him,he didnt want to stop so he didn't.Believe me i know what that feels like as a carer,but he is an adult and you can't force him to realise what a totally selfish person he is being after all the time and effort invested in his care it seems so ungrateful doesn't it?

I second all the advice to get help for yourself. I often wanted to but never did. My husband stopped drinking shortly before his first surgery but still ended up with the DT's while in the SICU. This complicated his recovery and he had to be given drugs to stop the shakes adding additional days to his hospital stay. He never really drank after that because his mouth was too sore. It was a shame to see the wonderful man that he had kept hidden by the booze too late. He had such incredible srength till the end and I wish he would have realized that he didn't need the alcohol to be an amzazing person. Get help for yourself-they may be able to help you help him.

I'd be pissed off too, it is a slap in the face. I couldn't deal with this alone, I would have to go outside for help.

I'll be thinking of you!

Believe,

Since too little is known about the how's and why's of HPV most lab docs believe that there is a co factor that may contribute to HPV infecting the cell and since alcohol is known to cause cellular damage it may well be a co factor in the HPV process.

It is also now thought that we may reacquire HPV multiple times throughout our life and it's not even known if the radiation kills all the HPV in our oral cavity during Tx. So if you combine the fact the he may reacquire (or never got rid of) HPV and alcohol may have contributed to his cancer in the first place then he may well be providing the same formula for disaster that originally was present.

As others have said if he's addicted he must be the one that says I HAVE A PROBLEM.