Well, where do I begin?

Eldest daughter is an avid dope smoker who when Rod was first diagignosed advised him of how much money he could make o the marker for his meds...charming. She has threatened me regularly for coming between her and her father??? Has not contacted us for at least 5 weeks now...bliss.

Youngest daughter of Rod moved in with us in April, only to move out when I wanted to speak with her for leaving 'me' to care for her dog and feed it with our dogs food for 2 nights without even a call. She was with us for 2 weeks, leaving most of her 'stuff here'. She came over one day to get some of her 'stuff'. A few weeks later, I asked her to come & get all of her gear. She came with her mother & got 1/2. I asked her last week to come back today & get the rest. Although Rod told her this morning we were on our way to the 'van', the car was in the drive, she never even knocked on the door to see him when she was picking up her gear. Delightful.

Rod I'm sure was upset at this, but now I'm not so sure. I haven't said a lot, but boy, am I disgusted. These 2 'creatures' don't like me, obvious, jealousy, fear, denial, mixed bag, most 'f&%^%^ed up in the head person they know' apparently & according to them, quote/unquote, but to be the excuse as to why they don't call or knock on the door to see their dad who is very ill with cancer when they are at the house? I don't get it. I could never treat my parents in that way regardless of how I may or may not feel about someone in their lives. It used to upset me more, before I found this way to vent! I feel for him though. They are 21 & 27yrs respectively. I could go on & on, but no point. Nor worth having as pimples on the end of my nose as mum would say.

Anyone else gone through this? 21 & 27 - no cancer, 53, father, cancer. I want to smack them but they'd probably have me knocked off!! LOL

J

OOh i have a feeling someone else had a terrible problem with stepchildren i think there was more than one.If memory serves it might have been paula aka coping in texas or maybe Juliekay.

When I told my 2 kids that I had Stage IV cancer they cried so much I got upset thinking maybe they knew something I didn't. I assured them I was going to be all right and I guess I did such a good job of assuring them that I didn't hear from then until after my Tx was over. My wife of 20 years, not their mom, was and still is pissed off with them and gets extremely mad at me when I do something for my kids now. They are my kids and I can't/won't get mad at them over that. I still love them but I can't convince my wife, my caregiver, my vida, my savior that they are anything but selfish good for nothing self centered brats.

My darlings are 24, 23, 20 and 15. The three oldest do not live with me. The oldest drove me to almost every radiation appt. I had. She would work all night and then take me to the doctor. She would fall asleep in the waiting room. Then she would drive me home and that was the last I would see of her for the day. The boys, I never saw. I look at it like this. It is much easier to deal with Mom having cancer when you don't have to deal with what cancer does to Mom. Kinda, out of sight, out of mind. The only one that really delt with it was the 15 year old. Oddly enough, she's grown up, the others seem to have regressed.
Amy

"Kids" song from Bye Bye Birdie 1963


Kids!
I don't know what's wrong with these kids today!

Kids!
Who can understand anything they say?

Kids!
They a disobedient, disrespectful oafs!
Noisy, crazy, dirty, lazy, loafers!
While we're on the subject:

Kids!
You can talk and talk till your face is blue!

Kids!
But they still just do what they want to do!
Why can't they be like we were,
Perfect in every way?
What's the matter with kids today?

Kids!
I've tried to raise him the best I could

Kids! Kids!
Laughing, singing, dancing, grinning, morons!
And while we're on the subject!

Kids! They are just impossible to control!

Kids! With their awful clothes and their rock an' roll!
Why can't they dance like we did
What's wrong with Sammy Caine?
What's the matter with kids today!

OMG David, I completely get what you say. I understand that these are Rod's kids, and that he loves them, [I think he's a little disappointed in them though] and I won't try to stop communications between them, but I'm now at a point that they have treated me so badly that I won't allow either of them on our property now the youngest has collected her things. I totaly understand your thoughts, and your wifes' - I feel I'm in her shoes in more ways than one though, due to the threats they have imposed on me. I have spoken to the police due to this, and won't disregard intervention orders to stop them from making contact with ME - got a text last night when I was asleep [got it when I woke], from the youngest, asking If I 'brushed my teeth much'. She blames me for him not going to her 21st in June - I was unaware she was having a party, and he had only had chemo the day before. I asked her not long ago to contact her dad more as he needs her [regardless of how she felt about me], she responded with 'it takes 2, and I can count the times he has called me this year on both hands'.....well, now she has removed her things off the property, neither of them will hear from me again, not even in response to text....sorry but so glad they're not my kids, how embarrasing & disappointing. Now I know I'm not alone in this, I don't feel so bad...or alone.

Amy, it's more that they hate me than can't 'cope' with their dads illness. They think they are punishing him for being with me. The eldest has 3 kids of her own [his grandchildren], she told him that it is 'his loss', the youngest advised me her mothers sister was going through Tx for a brain tumour but still managed to go to her son's 21st.....ignorance there I think, but still not an excuse as they could have done their homework via the CCC or Cancer Council...plenty of info.

Oh, and Rod has also asked me if I know more about him or the doctors have told me stuff behind his back...thats a no of course, but I understand his line of questioning.

This Kid issue has done my head in, but I think I'm on the recovery road myself now.

J

We have a combined bunch....7 kids between us ranging in age from 36 to 26. My two boys have helped out, my daughter operates in her own little world (we're raising her kids who are 8 and almost 5), 2 of his kids have visited but most of the time act like it's all gonna be ok and the other 2 are apparently in avoidance mode as we don't see or hear from them because they're "busy". As for me, I'd like to yank them up and shake them...the 2 who have helped most seem to "get it" while the rest look surprised when they see their dad who has now dropped approximately 50 lb. Believe me, you are not alone!!!

This has been a topic here before. Seems like less than 50% of kids truly understand and pitch in when they are needed. Its the younger adults who are too worried about their own lives to be bothered. Must be something with society, kinda like the entitlement attitude.

I sure have had my struggles with my children. My son drove me to treatments and helped me but was not a caregiver. He tried but just didnt know what to do to help. Same goes for my daughter, she tried but couldnt see past herself at times to give me the help I needed. I warned them both, the first 2 times were a warm up for this third round.

Hope things improve for you and the children become more helpful.

Christine, I hope your kids will be there for you this time round, I believe they will. Think you might be one of the luckier parents with your kids....

Things will improve for me because I've wiped them out of MY life. I can't & won't stop Rod from loving them, talking to them or seeing them, but not here. [apart from over the phone.] I refuse to have anything to do with anyone with little or no respect, care & compassion. They are history to me, and I'm glad. Rod hasn't spoken with the eldest since she spoke with him and called me the worst names you could imagine - can't & won't repeat what she called me to him, but he hung up on her & has not responded to her calls/text since. Think she may have gone in the wrong sirection with that one & under estimated him. She'll always be his daughter, but that doesn't mean she is a wonderful caring respectful human being, which to me she clearly isn't....I feel for Rod, his two girls I feel for also, but not as much as I despise them...harsh word for me. I no longer speak of them to him for fear their behaviour - more to him - will upset him...very sad.

Love the song David...

My eldest had compassion and came to see Daddy once/week with the new baby. My youngest was devastated when he was diagnosed and has held four to six jobs at a time to help out with the bills...also, sat with me for 12 hours while he had the neck dissection. My middle one is angry...how could he ruin our lives with cancer??? She is also, petrified that she may "get it" too.

I truly believe it's more of a fear that drives some kids (and adults too) away from the one that they love. And the fact that they want life-as-usual to return...don't we all????

Kids aren't the only ones who react badly to a cancer diagnosis.Robs boyhood friend came to the house the day after his diagnosis and then never set foot across the door until robs funeral.I was furious but Rob understood,how i will never know but its obviously a man thing.Until rob was diagnosed terminal our friends shunned him as if his cancer was catching once they knew he was dying they all wanted to see him at once.I will never understand humans.

I understand all of that, I'm scared I'll get it too....and I can...

I couldn't have kids...glad...screw his kids

Liz, I wish we were sitting in the same room...and Christine, & Karen Rose, & David, & Jim, & Gabe, & Wendy, & Margaret, & Charm, & walklite, & Donna, & Cheryl, and.....man, facebook is't big enough...and I'm sorry for forgetting names I shouldn't.

Pfff, well... daughter of Martin. Where do I start. 9 weeks without a visit when martin was at his worse on the feeding tube, just a "are we going anywhere today?" phone call. And when I said "No your dad is a bit tired today" I got the "Oh, I won't bother coming then".
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
I could write a novel about the lack of consideration care and love she has/is showing. But I have better things to worry about, like making sure Martin continues to improve.
Oh, she is a 17 year old school drop out who lives with her mum a 15 minute walk away. No school, no job, so what is the excuse for never coming to say "hello Dad, how are you feeling,..."
I don't know. Teenagers are very strange.

LOL....not funny at all I know. Rod's kids are banned from this house, if they want to see him they have to take him out...I don't want them in my life. I agree, we have better things to worry about - aren't you glad she doesn't live with you??!!

I am glad she doesn't live with us. But on the other hand I am concerned that if she carries on like this in life, she is going to lead a very unhappy lonely life. I sometimes think that if she came to live here I could kick some sense into her. teach her some humanity and dicsipline and knock that arrogance out of her. But then I don't have the energy, and the spare room is still unliveable. So it would not be for now.
It's Martin's 50th birhtday on the 20th September. I have arranged a 9 day surprise trip to Florence and the Tuscan Hills. He knows we are going somewhere but he doesn't know where. It's funny, every knows where he is going except for him (and his daughter). I wonder if she is going to remember his birthday, that should be interesting!

Some of these stories are making me look like a saint!

I'm so sorry for all the pain and upset that each of you have gone through and sounds like it may continue on. I don't understand children, especially adult ones who are so self centered and appear to think that they are entitled to act however they please. I can't imagine turning my back on someone in need. They need to grow up and stop thinking of only themselves. The pain from the disease is probably less than their heart that is being broken from total and absolute disrespect of a parent. I imagine that there is no way to fill the void of the person who is not willing to be there for their loved one. As a CG to my mom, taking her to numerous appts at the CCC, I saw many people alone, exhausted and frightened...I tried to reach out and it was just so amazing how a small touch on the hand can help someone. It makes me angry and I feel such resentment towards some of these people who are so careless with other peoples feelings.

Christina, I've been hibernating for a while and missed some posts, where did you move to? Are you any closer to me? If so, let me know how I can help you.

Hope everyone has a nice evening.
Donna

Thanks for your imput girls. Rods youngest called him on the weekend and said she would take him out for Fathers day this Sunday. 2 days ago he and I had a litle tiff over money, and I said, 'why don't you ask your family for a small loan of some money? He got mad with me & hung up. I called him back and said don't you dare do that to me again. He apologised. He said when I got home from work that he called his youngest and asked for a small loan. She allegedly said I have no money but let me see what I can do & I'll call you back. I bet our last 2 bucks with my mum that he wouldn't hear from her...I win!! Yippee!! mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm as I said, she came & got her things from the house but didn't knock on the door to see Rod. He was watching her the whole time out he window. Well.....allegedly according to her it is my fault for everything.....I'd love for at least 10 of my OCF friends call this girl and give her an outline. No point with the elder girl.....probably no point with either girls...they wouldn't know disrespect from respect if it were shoved in their faces.....

I will chime in on this subject. Christine has been a great ear to help me through how my children are. It feels to me like my kids are removing themselves from me. My psychologist said this could be a self preservation tactic - "if I don't care that much then it wont hurt so much when she dies", but of course it distances us when I feel I need closeness more than anything. I haven't quite figured out what to do about it. You cannot MAKE people be what you want them to be.

I believe they care, but somehow in my parenting I seem to have missed teaching them about how to SHOW they care.

Donna

Donna,
I doubt you missed on teaching your children about to how to show they care. You are a very compassionate person, you show everyone here daily how much you care, they learned it. I think they are afraid, and most probably are feeling the same distance because they may not be able to reach out. I am currently watching Eddie go through this with his mom. He lost his dad in April '08, he was there with him. His mom has alzheimers and parkinson's and has just recently been placed in the hospice program. He seems to be immobile where she is concerned, I can't figure it out. It bothers me because we are so different when it comes to this, I know he loves his mom so why can't he make himself go to see her now? I think it comes down to fear.
I wish we could all be closer to each other so that in times like this we could be there to hold each other when someone needs it so desperately. I hope this helped a little. The one thing for certain right now is that you can count on someone from this base to be there for you!
Love,
Donna

Glad there aren't too many Jeannas!! 2 Donna's in a row, well that's a lot!! You know, I feel sorry for any of these kids to a degree, but they make me so mad as well. They won't know what they have missed out on until it is too late. Doesn't mean I don't want to smack them & knock some sense into them....fear, as I've mentioned to David, is the real killer here.....in more ways than one. Fear causes stresss, which can cause cancer cells to keep growing. Please read Louise Hays 'you can heal your life'. It has saved mine in the past. Just believe, and want ot get rid of this s^%#t. Rod's kids wouldn't even watch the news on TV or read a newspaper to see what is going on in the world. I know that I could be hit by a bus tomorrow and die. That doesn't stop me thinking about Rod's funeral because death is in our faces. When and if it comes to that,and I survive him, I swear I will not breathe 1 solitary word to them. that is how I feel about them. I wish they didn't exist. Dispise is a big strong word, and I'll only use it against his kids. Sorry if I've upset or offended anyone, not my intention.

WOW Cheryl - 50 lbs is a LOT of weight.

The saga of Elizabeth continues. In the past 18 months we have seen her 6 times. She didn't even call her Dad for his 50th birthday in September. She is going through some smelly, not bothered, sleep all day, not washing for weeks, trampy phase, arrogant and mean selfish phase. Martin repeatedly invites her for a coffee, a day trip to London, a day trip to Brighton... More often than not she does even bother calling to cancel, when we do call to ask where she is it's always "oh I have a heavy period" (what every 2 weeks?!!!???). Martin and I and family have decided to have her refered to the Doctor because we think she needs som sort of councelling. But he has been at her house for hours on end the past 2 days, helping her tidy up her room (imagine at the age of 17!), offering an ear, showing he cares, but with a firm hand as she is so unruly. But now, she's topped it! He went there to give the last few Christmas presents we had bought, that she hadn't bothered picking up since Christmas (she lives 10 minutes walk away by the way), and she was a monster, a horrible monster. She said, she didn't want to come and see us because no one is on her intellectual level (yeah! schooldrop out with no job!) and we just talk. Shae said we never joke and laugh Bull***s, we do but she rolls her eyes up and stares looking sullen. And when Martin asked why she didn't want to see him again the answer was "Well what's the incentive!". She brought tears to Martin, and even the consultants announcing he had cancer never managed that. He left after that. How could you come out with something like that to your own Dad? Surely the incentive is to spend time with a now healthier Dad! We have an appointment on Thursday to see the doctor for her, but she has now pushed to far. How can someone be so uncaring, unloving, and cruel? This is the last thing you need when you are recovering! We just don't understand! I can only tell Martin that he is doing the right thing to take her to see someone, and offer hugs and kisses and love. But I can't undo the deep hurt she has caused today. I really really don't understand, where did we go wrong?

Oh Cecilia, I am so sorry for the hurt you both are going thru with that awful child. The teenage years can be so terrible, its not possible to understand whats wrong with kids they turn into people we cant even recognize! You could talk and they would be mad, or stay silent and they will be just as angry with you. Nothing pleases them, they are so selfish that they wont even iniate a conversation. Think about how often when spending time together the child will bring up a subject to discuss. I bet never. That age and early 20s all seem to feel entitled to be given everything without having to do anything for it. The whats in it for me attitude seems to be how alot of these young people think. This is an age thing.

Ive had my share of rough times with my children. I gave them enough space where I waited it out til they eventually came to me. During the waiting period, I only spoke to them if they started the conversation. Then I was as short as possible. It was a painful process for me to basically ignore my children, but it worked. When my son came to me he apologized and admitted how wrong he had been. It only took him a couple of weeks. Now, my son is the best son a mother could ask for.

My daughter took longer when she hit that entitlement phase. It was almost a year of heck I went thru. She now appreciates me where before she was just like what you explained. One time she was asking me for something and I said to her, why should I give you anything, as an adult Im not responsible for you anymore so whats in it for ME? That was the turning point, she finally understood.

Please remember you are not alone with something like this. So many of us have had problems similar to yours. Im so sorry you feel like you or Martin did something wrong. It is not you, its the child and she is just being a typical kid. It may take a while but it will work out. Going to the doctor might help, someone who is neutral could be what she needs to understand your side of this. Patience and time will fix this.