I just need to vent to people who understand. I hope you'll forgive me for rambling as I tell this story.
My husband and I are in business together and during 2000 were involved in some transactions regarding our business. There were several people involved (attorneys, realtors etc - not because it was adversarial but because everyone wanted to make sure their interests were represented). Anyway in December 2000 I had surgery for a recurrence of tongue cancer. A few weeks later in January I was convinced that I was ok (I wasn't as it turns out) and was pretty much back at work. We had another business meeting with the various parties to these transactions which is when we first heard that one of the attorneys had cancer (it turned out to be in the sinus). He wasn't at the meeting and others told us that they were very concerned. Shortly after this I had more surgery, radiation and was sick for the rest of the year. As the business deals were pretty much complete we didn't have much contact with the other people after that.
Well my subject told you where this was going. Today my husband was reading the paper and saw the obituary for the attorney. He was 48 (I'm 47). ITS NOT FAIR!
Everytime I read about someone's recurrence or death I can't help but personalize it to wonder if I am next. Most days I don't dwell on it but sometimes it hits me harder. Someone else in a posting used the phrase that I often use - that is that we live with the sword of Damocles over our heads (Damocles was invited to a feast where he was seated under a sword suspended by a single hair). I try not to let this rule my life but I do look at things a lot differently than I did before. Every pain and twinge (and everyone knows the treatment causes plenty of those) is a reason for concern. I can't pretend that I'm not frightened.
OK GOD - I GET THE MESSAGE THAT LIFE IS SHORT AND I'M MORTAL! YOU DON'T HAVE TO KEEP REMINDING ME!
Thanks for "listening." I'd be interested to read you reactions to my comments and how you've reacted to similar situations in your life.
ilene

Ilene,
To me what you are feeling is very normal. A side effect of cancer that many don't talk about is paranoia. You can't help but wonder when you get those "twinches" whether it's the cancer or not. But truthfully I think it's simply a matter of cancer patients becoming more aware of their body than "healthy" people.

Of course it is upsetting to you anytime you hear of a death related to the same cancer. As you said, you don't need a constant reminder of what the possibilities may be. But everyone has to deal with this in their own way. And if having a "pity party" occassionally helps you to get through this - party on. You are going through a journey that others cannot understand unless they have been through it.

I greatly admired my husband's way of getting through his journey. Even though he was deemed "terminal" from the day of diagnosis, he acted as though he was going to live forever. And as painful as it was for me knowing that this was not the case, his way of approaching his remaining life left fond memories of him for me.

Hopefully you will wake up today - forget yesterday - and look forward to many tomorrow's. Yes, another warrior has been lost to this disease but you are one of the many survivors and will continue to be so.

Cynthia

All of this so changes the way you think about life -even about everyday things. My husband and I are in the process of interviewing for an opening in our business. As we discuss the various candidates we have been considering what skills they have that can help them to serve as backup for either of us in case... What was interesting in our discussion was the difference in what we meant by "in case." My husband thought that if either one of us was temporarily incapacitated as I was last year (and fortunately had a wonderful assistance who kept things together in my absence). When I think of in case I think of if/when the cancer returns or something else may happen and I won't recover. I don't worry that my death is iminent but when I think of events to be prepared for I think of much more serious outcomes.
I think I lead as normal a life as I can considering all of the changes caused by the cancer treatment but I do have the ocassional pity party (or pity pout as my husband calls it) Its nice to have a place to pout or party with others who understand!
ilene

Ilene,

Oh how I can relate to how a life-threatening disease or situation can change your outlook. About 6 years ago my husband and I had a very bad car accident - he was laid up for a year (and was unemployed at the time).I had about 3 months recuperation and had to force myself to work for monetary reasons. The clincher was that we didn't have medical insurance at the time. That's a very humbling experience.

Needless to say, once we were on our feet, medical insurance was a top priority. And thank goodness it was because of the hundreds of thousands of dollars of medical bills my husband had, we ended up paying all of $20. Although it was difficult at times to come up with the premium, my experience told me it was necessary.

The biggest irony for us was that we bought a house 6 months before my husband was diagnosed. For some unknown reason at the time, I was a "tornado" about getting things done A.S.A.P. My husband even asked why we had to get everything done yesterday. Apparently I had an inner sense that our "future" time was going to be spent on more important things - his illness. Maybe that's what they mean by "self-fulling prophecy".

Don't know why but I feel that 20 years down the road, you will look back at this time as just one of the many parts of your life that make you who you are - but being able to enjoy the fruits of your labor and the life that you and your husband share. And I hope your "pout" turns into a continual SMILE.

Cynthia

Life is VERY short....my daughters friend...who was only 13 years old was buried yesterday.

Illene.

The day before my 50th birthday, I lost my very best friend of 30 years to Ovarian cancer. She was only 55 and always the life of the party. She helped me deal with my cancer even though she was dealing with her own. She was such a beautiful person and helped me through many trying times in my life. I really do miss her even today. When asked to speak at the funeral, I equated loosing her as to loosing my right arm. Cancer in any form sucks, you would think they would have a cure of some type by now. So sorry for you loss and I understand how it generates the feeling of anxiety.

Take care.

Anne.