Hey everyone! I can't tell you how wonderful it is to see so many still on the board sharing their knowledge, love and experience. You guys were here for us "when" and what a miracle I've just witnessed reading some of the posts from the old timers supporting and encouraging the newcomers (sorry we have to meet this way). It's been about 4 years since I've been on the board after my other half (aka Uptown on the board) was diagnosed with Stage IV BOT SCC in July 2003. Thank God Ed is still cancer free but like everyone after treatment (including the caregivers) there's the new normal. You run the gamut on whether it�s a �good� day or not.

I'm freaking out again, this time for me. I humbly ask for prayers as I am about to have a biopsy for a mass in my hypopharnyx this coming Wednesday.

Ed's oncologist is doing it for me and they will be doing a panendoscopy while I'm out to see all of the structures and looking at the soft tissue � not excluding the possibility of multiple biopsies from different areas of concern, mostly to me at this point.

I've had weird stuff over the years: hyperplastic tastebud in 2004, unexplained dizziness and "itching" or gravely feeling deep in my left eustation tube, slight hearing loss in that ear in first felt in March 2008, a benign lesion on the left side of my tongue removed in September 2008 and a constant sense of swallowing pills or "globis" since June 2008. I've explained this to all 5 doctors and have dogged them monthly that it�s not normal and they need to keep looking. I now have this sensation - not unlike when you eat pecans or walnuts - like sand on the floor of my mouth and not unlike the sensation that manifested deep in my ear. I cannot palpate any particular mass but when I look under my tongue the little (I call it a) fat pad under each side of the tongue, the left side, though the same colour it is no longer the same size as the right and is distinctly different than it used to be. Who would know my mouth better than me? I've been hyper-vigilant since July 2003 and have memorized every one of my amalgam tattoos, giant taste buds, lingual tonsils, goofy looking uvula (after tonsillectomy in 1998 just because of strep throat all the time).

Finally, I said the right letter of the alphabet with the laryngoscope in the right place and there appeared this ugly (to me since I wasn't born with it and it doesn't have a name in Grey's) thing. The doctor was sort of relieved that we might have found an explanation to the sensations (and that I might stop bugging him, I suspect � though he has been diligent looking and CT without contrast due to allergy and MRIs that were unremarkable. That was in late November 2008. I went back right before Christmas to see if there was any change or if it went away and it appears it hasn�t changed, but it also didn't go away. We set up surgery as soon as I could, to fit with Ed's work schedule/responsibilities.

It's gotten progressively more uncomfortable and now I'm about to totally "wig". The left side of my chin, between the mandible and the hyoid bone is puffier and my voice is getting gravellier and well, I'm just flat out scared and miffed all at the same time.

Yes, I was a 26 year smoker and after thinking about it, have been tested and am waiting for results from my annual pap to see if I have been exposed to HPV 16/18 (my ex-husband wasn't a faithful one) and how strange that at 33 I had a hysterectomy because they couldn�t get free and clear cervical tissue after 4 surgeries. Knowing what we know now about HPV, the whole thing makes me wonder if I gave my Ed (Uptown) his cancer and if I have it because of the HPV crap.

Yes, I'm just totally unreasonable right now. Breathe...

I�m better. Now that I've spit my fear (however irrational it is), prayers are all I ask for. Healing is good but mostly for the strength to get a grip and get on with whatever it is because logically, it isn't anything until they say so � and I really know this.

Thanks for your support and the safe place to spew.