Dear Jamie, the "getting a grip" part is really tough. But those with alot of guts and inner strenght manage to do just that. You've been at this over 17 months now, and I'm sure it has worn you down, as it does every one of us who face this disease. I want to encourage you to keep looking forward- not backward- because your life is going forward in a new direction, maybe a tougher direction , but, hopefully, one you can manage. Remember, you still have control over much of your life [and you probably did not have as much control over your "old" life as you thought!]. So one hour, one day at a time you go from here. And please keep talking- there are lots of good folks here to listen. Amy in the Ozarks