Hi Daniel,
You are in the stage of this disease process that I just came out of and believe me, it's the toughest stage of all. Hopefully what you will learn from others will get you through it quicker so you can get on with what is important, which is living your life.
When I finished my radiation on July 10th just the thought that I was DONE gave me more energy. I started researching online, etc., and what I found scared me beyond reason. Here I had spent since April 1st believing that I had a true shot at beating this thing, yet everything I read was telling me that I might as well just curl up in a ball and wait to die. And that's basically what I did for a short amount of time. I literally took myself out of my life, exited my families life, and spent every waking moment online or reading about how I was going to die.
I began to come out of this stage when I found this website. On here I could find facts that were TRUE facts, could find people that had been through the same stuff and were still here, living and enjoying their lives. Brian and everyone had a way of telling the truth in a positive light. I didn't snap out of it overnight, but it did help me start to turn the corner. I spent lots of time talking to God and he helped me realize a very important fact, one that to this day is a huge concern for me. I realized that I wasn't afraid to die, maybe fearful of HOW I would die, but not afraid of dying. What I was so fearful of was leaving my children without a mother, that thought tears at my soul. After getting this straight in my mind, it dawned on me that if this disease was going to cause me to die young there wasn't a thing I could do to stop it. So, this meant that if I were going to leave my children without a mother, then I would leave them with AWESOME memories of me. Not memories of someone that lived as if she were dying. Does that make any sense?
Have my husband and I talked about me dying and what he will do? Yes, we have, but he pretty much refuses to talk cancer with me any longer as he is convinced that my time with the disease is over. His sureness is a huge comfort to me. Also, Daniel, do this one last thing. It's something I have done since I was a child and why my family tells me I am so much like my Grandmother. Ask yourself a question and then listen to yourself for an answer. I have this deep, gut feeling that I will survive this cancer, that I will win the battle. I don't believe that God will want me before my job here on earth is done, which has always been to raise my children and to make other peoples lives better and happier. Search yourself for that gut feeling, bet you find it and it will be an amazing feeling. Will you keep having times of anxiety and fear, yes, you will. I do and realize that I always will. But the times are easier to handle, not as intense and much shorter lived. A single phone call to my husband or a hug from one of my kids pulls me out of it.
Now you will enter the stage of every little bump and pain is a return of the cancer. I am still in that stage and find relief in laughing at myself over it, making a joke of it sort of. Brian has been correct each and every time I have asked about a spot or lump, etc., so post on here and you will get a pretty accurate answer.
More then anything Daniel, do not spend alot of time alone. Go for a walk, or just go out into the front yard, it will help.
I hope this site and the friends on here will hurry you through this stage as it did for me. Take care Daniel and listen to yourself, we usually know the answers to questions we ask before we even ask them.
Love, Minnie