I had a bell by my chair and my bedside after surgery too...and my cell phone...and something to throw at the tv to make a racket...I, too, was afraid of choking and I didn't even have a trach....just so much surgery inside my mouth. It is a universal fear. When I could swallow well enough to consider taking a pill, I would take one at a time....or a half...always with someone nearby and aware that I was doing it, but not watching me, since that little bit of self-consciousness would cause me to falter. Now I can take a whole handful of pills without a thought. Time does wonders, doesn't it??

I know that my story doesn't help you much. You really have a hard row to hoe, but maybe it will help to know that most of us have had different versions of your story in our recovery process.