Dear Brian and all,

I am so very sorry. You summed it up perfectly for me Mark. I took out a lot of misdirected anger on here last night. Unfortunately Brian, I read your words in the wrong frame of mind. I saw them as condescending. After rereading every post in this thread tonight, it proved to me that I was very, very, wrong. I apologize.

I have so much bitterness inside of me right now that it honestly scares me sometimes. Believe it or not, I've been seen as a shy (hey take advantage of me!) type of girl all my life until recently. I've always been spiritual and tried my very best to help others. "Just have faith. Everything will get better", was my motto.

My husband's diagnosis came close on the heels of several personal losses. Each one profoundly changed my world. Before I could recover from one, another hit, until I was totally exhausted by the time my husband became ill.

After seeing the way he was treated by the oncologist, and his so called "home health care providers"....most of which didn't even show up and we had to do the flushings of his porta-cath, remove needles....etc.....on our own, the stress caved in on me. Just for the record, my outburst DID change things in the way this doctor now treats his patients. A receptionist now stays in the waiting room and monitors the patients' needs.

Also, I have done much charity work. My most successful fundraiser collected just shy of $14,000 for a local camp that gives cancer stricken children and their siblings a "normal" week at camp each year. This was 4 years ago....long before our cancer struggle began. Maybe I'm bitter because I thought on a sub-conscious level that doing good work would result in an escape from ever having to face this nightmare on a personal level. I don't know..... That sounds very selfish, I guess.

It's hard not to be defensive these days, but I promise not to do it again here. I just pray, that with continued effort, I will find the outlook and strength that I once had.

Again, I'm sorry. I never, ever, meant to harm any of you with my words.

Mandi

Husband diagnosed with stage III tonsil and floor of mouth cancer in August 2002. Three rounds of chemo/42 RAD treatments. Upper right lung lobectomy in March 2003. (Benign)