Ed,

I know that I don't always sound very positive here and I guess that is because this is a place where I can let go of those things that I cannot let go of anywhere else.

When I am with him I am always reminding him. He can do this. I am here and I will never leave. He never has to worry about being alone and I am constantly telling him that. I say I love you a million times a day in case he has a memory lapse between them.

I don't think that he knew I was in there today and if I tell him how it breaks my heart to see him this way it will only make him worse. Some people can hear those things and grasp them tightly others, like Harry (who already feels like he is ruining my life) take things like that and use them to reenforce the negative feelings they are already having.

For now, I cry silently, in my heart and with my closest friends. The day will come when it is right for me to tell him everything about how this is for me. That day just isn't now. I wish we could share like that but he just can't and I do not want to make this any worse for him than it already is. It is complicated for sure. Over the years I have learned how to do things that on the outside are just what they need to be regardless of what is happening on the inside.

I let it out when I have to and when I know I need to places where it is safe to do so. There are times when I wish we could cry together and just hold each other but we can't. At least not now. I am learning my day at a time and while it is exceptionally difficult sometimes I make it through.

When we started this journey I was convinced that I couldn't do this. I never told Harry that but I did tell someone. When we got about 5 weeks into this and I was beginning to feel what true exhaustion really is, that someone (to whom I continued to profess that I could not do this) looked me in the eyes and said, but you are doing it.

I was so focused on what I thought that I couldn't do that I couldn't see what I was doing. I can see it now and I am doing everything I can to try to make his life as good as it can be at this time.

He is my heart and everything that is good here comes from us as one. I just keep trying to keep my eyes on the goal and each day gets us closer.

When they wheeled him out of the rad room today I was waiting at the door. He looked up at me and I stuck out 4 fingers. I said only 4 left to go and we can count the end of these treatments on 1 hand. That is a long long way from where we started. Every moment of everyday I remind him. I struggle silently and away from him with the issues that pain my heart, but he does not know that and for now that is what is best to help him get through this.

I drop the kids off at school at 7:30 and then I am straight to the hospital for the day. How quiet is my home tonight. No IV pump beeping and the like.... and I miss it kind of because it is a silent reminder that he is not here. I look to tomorrow. I shelve today. Someday we will be like you. I know it even when it seems that I am doubting.

Thanks,
Cindy