Well Eric isn't getting a PEG tube this week. Today has been a long and difficult day and for the first time I questioned whether I wanted to be here. Until now I haven't questioned that; I have wanted to be Eric's primary advocate, but today we had a conflict.

The day didn't start well as Eric had a headache and ninety miles is a long car ride in silence. When we arrived at the radiation department we checked in early. We already had been advised by the on call weekend resident oncologist to skip the amifostine today and to see the doctors prior to the radiation appt. to discuss Eric's challenges with throat pain, nausea, dehydration, etc.

As we were sitting in the waiting room the radiation nurse came in and started asking questions such as, "how much water did you drink this weekend?" "What brought on the nausea?" Eric minimized his pain, minimized his lack of water and incorrectly identified the cause of his nausea. I interrupted him to correct him and he got irritiated. After she left he said, "just let me handle this." A few minutes later the resident oncololgist came up to ask questions and I didn't say one word as I was still pissed off about the nurse. They took him away for his blood pressure and for the first time I didn't go with him, instead I immaturely waited and sulked in the waiting area.

A few minutes later the nurse came for me as we were having our big meeting with the Radiation Dept. Asst. Chairman, the resident oncologist and the nurse. Eric actually did a good job explaining the challenges he had, and I reiterated the extreme difficulty he has with tolerating any opiates. The meeting went well EXCEPT the Doctor wants to try managing his pain/nausea with two narcotic patches, vicadin, compazine and zofran. I strongly felt she should schedule the PEG tube now, and this is when I behaved the way I believe a good friend and good advocate should when the decision isn't black and white. I shut up. I let Eric make the choice. It isn't my cancer treatment, it is his. No matter how stong my opinion this is his life, his pain and his treatment. He wants to try this first and if it doesn't work they will schedule a PEG tube to help his lack of nutrition and dehydration.

After the meeting he had to get two liters of IV fluids, so we stayed at the hospital another five hours. He was given the IV in the infusion center where he normally receives amifostine. This is the same place where some people get chemo. I have started to recognize some of the chemo patients and they have seen me often enough to nod hello in recognition. I am a regular.

Some days I am detached from cancer. Today it was completely in my face. When Eric got on the IV he tried some oxycodone and immediately got sick. He told me I was right, he was wrong and the the opiates get him sick. I didn't care I was right. I just wish I were wrong. It was inevitable that we would have a verbal clash.... it is amazing we haven't until now, but it was just another tangent to cancer treatment that I hate. This was my first experience with "fighting and disagreeing with the patient." I feel good about my behavior. I dropped it and let him make the choice. That is hard for me to do when I think I am right and ultimately, whether I am right or wrong he needs to make the decisions. It is just damn hard for me to see someone I love weak, in pain, vulnerable, hurting without wanting to take over his decision making under the guise of "making it easier for him." I am glad I backed off today, and I am glad it was clear to the doctors that Eric is making his own decisions, I am just his most trusted advisor.

I am sick of cancer. I am sick of waiting for doctors. I am sick of prescriptions poorly written that pharmacies can't read to fill. I am sick of validated cancer parking and waiting in a long line at the end of treatment to leave the parking garage. I am sick of radiation machines breaking down or running late. I am sick of the oncology dentist routinely being ninety minutes late. I am sick of trying to help Eric have a good attitude when there are alot of reasons to have a real bad attitude. I am sick of my business doing poorly because Eric isn't there and I am preoccupied with his cancer and lack my usual motivation to financially excel. I am sick of ensure style cans, drink mixes, ice, pills, vomit and hospital cafeteria food.

Despite all this I feel truly blessed and truly lucky to have the treatment we have at the hospital and the support and knowlege I have gained here. Eric is getting great care from competent caring staff at the hospital and he is benefiting from all your experience. The last few days I have just felt like I am at my limit in terms of my ability to have my business succeed, support Eric emotionally and intellectually, keep my own relationship going (I have been emotionally and sexually distant from my partner becase I am tired and overwhelmed) and stay on top of anything that can be done to improve his chances for success.

I know some of this sounds like I am whining, and maybe I am. But I am doing it because I want to quit whining. I want to let it go. I want to stay positive, focused, successful and supportive. Steven Covey in 'Seven Habits of Highly Successful People' talks about the importance of have emotional/physical/intellectual/spiritual balance. However, he also talks about there being times in life when the healty mature choice is to consciously choose to be out of balance. Helping your best friend through cancer is one of those times. I can't imagine being successful in going with Eric to find out if he has cancer, picking a cancer center, deciding to have surgery, being there during the neck dissection, helping him heal from the tonsillectomy and neck dissection, meeting with the radiation oncologist, driving him at least one day a week 200 miles for his appt., learning everything I can about squamous cell carcinoma, otolaryngology and head and neck cancer without sacrificing some of my emotional/physical/intellectual/spiritual balance. The most important thing for me is to go though this with no regrets, knowing I did everything I could to help him survive cancer...and in that I am successful. One day at a time this to shall pass. I am trying to be patient but it will sure be nice when this phase of treament is over.

Thanks for letting me ramble and thank you so much for all your advice, prayer, support and experience. We are almost half way done with radiation.

Jack