Hello, all
Am about to start the whole RAD procedure and suddenly have a black hole in the pit of my stomach. I've done quite a bit of research and "lurking" on various boards (I really like this community by far the best), and feel I'm going into it with open eyes. I've requested....and gotten IMRT, the head doctor, and the best research facility in this (Atl) area. (Emory).
I go in tomorrow for my initial simulation, which I think is mostly for making a mask and marking the area to be treated. *(please feel free to stop me at any time to update me on misguided/incorrect info!):-)
I know I won't start treatment for a while yet 'coz I succesfully gave myself pneumonia over the weekend....seems I thought I was better than I was from recent chemo treatment and broke up a man's drive with a sledgehammer, chopped roots, poured new concrete, got paid (hey, the bills don't stop just 'coz I do!),came home and promptly collapsed on the couch where I remained for about 12 hours when I woke in a fever delerium. ok, dumb moves all around, even though I hired a laborer who did 90% of the real work.

My real point is that work keeps my mind happily occupied....and incapable of producing panic attacks. I've had no choice but take it EXTREMELY easy this past week- even climing the stairs became a well pre-planned event lasting an interminable amount of time. My mind has become my worst enemy. I've become obsessed with RAD side-effect stories (thankfully both good and bad) in anticipation of what, my mind tells me with authority, is going to turn out to be the very worst RAD horror story ever told. I've had an extremely bumpy ride so far...as far as the emotional, dehumanizing, relationship-crumbling, family ignorance and lack of support issues; but feel EXTREMELY lucky that I got through 3 week-long chemo hospital stays with very minimal side effects (and no lives lost). The worst being of course, the mucositis that seemed to stay around forever. Sure, my hair is much thinner, but I never was a chippendale model. I don't even mind the funny way just the top couple of layers of my fingernails (and TOES) would make that crescent moon pattern and grow out.
The point is that they are still GROWING OUT. That chemo saved my life and probably put somewhat of a brake on the life cycle of my tumour, but I went into it with all the fear and dread that was possible for my overactive mind to dredge up.
I literally find myself in cold sweats while poring over the tales told by you kind, wonderful gentle people. I admire beyond words your amazing strength-even in the face of death, and equanimity.
OK........I WANT SOME EQUANIMITY........NOW!!!!!!!
;-)
Is this a common feeling to take it to these extemes? I KNOW that not EVERY horror could possibly happen, but I don't FEEL that way. I just don't think I can deal with 7 weeks and possibly years of recovery time chained to a mind that multiplies everything by a factor of 6 and an emotional stature of an infant.
YIKES!!! In re-reading this I can only give myself the following advice, "get thee into the company of others who share your affliction." Pretty profound, huh?
I guess it all boils down to just trusting God and letting him work in and around me. I came upon a wonderful poem immediately before I started writing this, and I'm sorry, I don't remember who posted it (possibly Joanna?) anyway, I copied it and would like to post it again, as it really spoke to me. Much love and many thanks!
Gordon
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If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

Happy moments, praise God.
Difficult moments, seek God.
Quiet moments, worship God.
Painful moments, trust God.
Every moment, thank God.

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