Tomorrow I should be starting my 4th and 'final' cycle of palliative chemo.
After the initial wait for a diagnosis, then the 'all-change' it's incurable bit, then they give you a 'treatment plan'

Aim---stabilise, possibly shrink--not a lot of hope.
Treatment starts--you focus on 'hey, no sickness, hair okay---forget about things like 'neutrophils' and freak about them when they interfere with treatment!

Get over that hump---NOTHING compared with what others are going thro!

Okay, end of 2nd cycle 'review'---don't mention lip pain from exposed nerve from necrosis of jaw--everything else okay--have x-ray--don't do results there and then, continue to cycle 3.

Oops--collapsed vein--hurts like hell---don't tell anyone outside of hospital cos everyone else has worse horrors and this was 'got over with'.

Monday started to really 'freak' about this stage.
Full bio-chemical profile today as well as usual full blood-count--hate needles and blood tests and the Receptionist was doing it as nurse on holiday!
FREAK! (Actually, she was brill)

No phone call from hospital tonight, so SUPPOSE bloods okay to carry on with treatment tomorrow---can they find any veins???

Is the Specialist gonna tell me X-Ray shows no change or even that lung primary has GROWN and it's not worth carrying on??

Am just plain frightened---been 'coping' and doing funnies upbeat and stuff up til now, but my prognosis was never good anyway---Hospital or Hospice tomorrow??????????