Hi DIL,

our story is a bit different to yours as it is my husband who has a cancer BOT, a radical neck dissection in Jan 06 and he is at his second week out of 7 of radiation but we have young children so perhaps my experience will help you find answers to your questions.

As far as your children are concerned, it may be wise to approach your FIL's disgnosis/pronostic according to their age. Our children are 12, 10 and 6. We have discussed the matter with them differently. To the 6 y.o. we've basically told him that dad had a lump in his neck and we needed to take it out, consequently he would have a zipper neck (to which he thought it was cool!!) and now with the radiation it would be like Star Wars with a funny light saber!! and Dad needs heaps of love and rest because the light sabor is quite hot and burns the skin and it is why it works!!

To our 10 and 12 y.o. we spoke about the disease in a way that they could ask questions and then from there we have answered them as honestly and simply as we could. The biggest being "will dad die?" We both said "we hope not", "dad should be ok" and if the cancer comes back we still have time to act and make him better. We thought that if the eventuality should happened, they will be older and also we will have time to prepare them. The present is so important for them that it would have add anxiety. We also spoke to their 3 children's teachers so they can "explained" and if they notice some new behaviour, reactions and keep us posted if something should happen.

Again depending on your children personality, you might have to be more in tone about the "silent messages" they send you. Our children do react quite differently. My daughter is exactly like her dad, she keeps everyhting inside and then BOUM everything comes out..sometimes things that have happened 6 months before!!!?? My sons are like me...totally the opposite so I know that they will verbalise.

Last week David was unwell and our youngest knew about that. I needed to work and asked a friend to take my 2 boys (10 and 6) for a few hours. The youngest kept wanting to come home and be with dad so I have learnt that day that even at 6, they can be quite switched on! It is a learning path for everyone. You, me and so many others will not always have it right!! Give yourself a chance to make mistakes and be insecure, it is a normal reaction. We all go throught this at one point.

As for your husband, I think it is important that he feels that you are there for him and support him dealing with his father's illness. If he's a "talker", you're lucky because you'll be able to ascertain his feelings and support him. If he's not (like my husband) you will probably have to be more pro-active in seeking his feelings and again try to encourage him through this new chapter of his life, your lives.

One think sure for us, honesty with our children is paramount, it is the way we approach that makes the big difference. As for your hubby, make sure your there for him, he's lucky to have you.

Keep us posted, this site is a very good place for you and perhaps him as well. I find it a good place for a caregiver as well and I have sent plenty "email this to a friend" messages from this site to my husdand.

Hope it helps! Marie-Lyne