Georgy, PLEASE slow down! I fear you are being your own worst enemy. The stress you are experiencing is not good for you at all. Dreaming of death must be terrifying. I have never experienced that. But I have had many a sleepless night due to living thru some pretty rough treatments.

Ive learned to take things step by step and not to get too far ahead with the "what if" thinking. Im certain you could greatly benefit from avoiding that line of thinking too. When you find yourself going there, allow yourself a few minutes to think about it then get up and change the channel. Go do something positive that takes your concentration. This takes practice! Unfortunately you may have a few weeks to go before you get any results from a biopsy.

At this time there is much more not known about HPV than there is known about it. The Oral Cancer Foundation has partnered with HPV expert Dr Maura Gillison for over 15 years. Dr Gillison has discovered much of what is currently know about HPV. As far as if HPV caused cancers dont show on scans, I have never heard of this before. To me it does not make sense. HPV is a cause of cancer, its not a type of cancer. Most OC patients have one of 3 types of cancer with Squamous Cell Carcinoma (SCC) being the most prevalent. SCC shows on scans regardless of what caused it.

Currently 3 ENTS have examined you and said the same thing, mildly swollen lymph nodes and no sign of a cancerous tumor. If I were you, I would focus on that rather than on any negative thinking. As adults, we are in charge of our own emotions. Please help make this easier on yourself by seeing things in a more positive "glass is half full" way. I know it may not seem like it, but you can overcome this negativity. Think of it as a choice, and make the choice to see things in a positive way. Dont get too far ahead of yourself by thinking of death or dying when there has not been any cancer found. Even if it would be cancer, it is NOT always fatal. Im here after going thru it 3 times, I survived as did many other patients here.

Best wishes!

Christine
SCC 6/15/07 L chk & by L molar both Stag I, age44
2x cispltn-35 IMRT end 9/27/07
-65 lbs in 2 mo, no caregvr
Clear PET 1/08
4/4/08 recur L chk Stag I
surg 4/16/08 clr marg
215 HBO dives
3/09 teeth out, trismus
7/2/09 recur, Stg IV
8/24/09 trach, ND, mandiblctmy
3wks medicly inducd coma
2 mo xtended hospital stay, ICU & burn unit
PICC line IV antibx 8 mo
10/4/10, 2/14/11 reconst surg
OC 3x in 3 years
very happy to be alive smile