Barbara,

It does sound like we are alike in ways. I pretty much went into some kind of auto-pilot during treatment. I wouldn't say I became totally reclusive, but I didn't have the strength for anything other than treatment and immediate family tasks. I didn't e-mail anyone or do research - frankly,I had done some research prior to treatment and decided I didn't want to know anymore right then, it was too depressing. My doctor even cautioned me about reading too much online because so much of the information was not peer-reviewed. I didn't find this forum till just a couple months ago and have been reluctant to post because basically I'm a quiet, somewhat shy person.

I hope that studying about food won't bother me - it's strange, but as soon as I finished with my treatments, I started cooking for my family more than I ever had. I couldn't eat what I cooked, but I could have my hands in it and smell it and kept telling myself that I would eventually eat some of it again. I have literally read dozens of cookbooks searching for things I could prepare and hopefully eat.

You're right about how people cannot comprehend where we are coming from - they just don't understand when you tell them "no, I can't swallow mashed potatoes and milkshakes don't work either." Thankfully, milkshakes did eventually come around, but mashed potatoes still don't work well - might as well be eating glue! Once in a while, I get upset or mad because I can't eat certain foods but I get over it pretty quick - I just look back to a year ago and think how much better it is now and I'm satisfied again. It's just that we can't really put our cancer behind us because of the eating and swallowing issues - we have to study what to eat and think about where to go if we want to dine out - nothing is spontaneous anymore - and we are faced with this at least 3 times a day - other people just don't get it.

Thanks for your encouragment about the return to school - I need all I can get, that's for sure. Wishing you continued improvements

Pam