Sorry you have to go through all this. You seem clear in your mind about what you want now. I'm nearly dropping off to sleep but can say that pain meds should handle your pain during and after surgery and in the future. Morphine is standard after surgery and there are a couple of alternatives if you react adversely to morphine. I had Fentanyl in a patient administered pump: it worked very well.

As you recover, drugs like Oxynorm and Oxycodone, together with what we call Paracetamol here in New Zealand are quite successful at dealing with the lesser pain a week or so down the track. I experienced the benefit of a slight euphoria each time I has Oxynorm. I feel it helped me psychologically as well as physically. Probably just me but I found it was very good at dealing with discomfort.

You have been through a lot. I can understand the despair that arises when the disease just won't leave you alone. This most recent time I reached out for every bit of psychological help I was entitled too. It helped. You need support, you need to be there for your sons ... and for yourself. There can be a certain richness to life after cancer, even with a disability. It's not easily won but well earnt.

And you must take the adjuvant treatments if they're offered. If life is going to be rich, you need a lot of it:)