Hello to all,

I'm new on this board. It has been so helpful to read these posts about your elderly mother from schues6 and the helpful comments from you all and from lam007 (hoping I'm getting the names right). You are all so brave.

My father is 83 and somewhat frail at this point. He was diagnosed 1 month ago with T2N1MO stage III squamous on right lateral tongue. They think they see something in one lymph in neck, but not sure. They are recommending 3 treatment options:

1. Standard of care is:
- remove cancer from tongue and neck dissection (Supraomohyoid Neck Dissection)
- benefit is that this can tell us more about the node/neck
- if there are adverse features- may need radiation therapy +/- chemotherapy
2. Radiation therapy only to tongue and neck, including HDR brachytherapy
3. Alternative is a modified neck dissection, no surgery to the tongue, with radiation to neck and tongue HDR boost to tongue through catheter

The post from lam007 (nurse in Australia I believe) got me thinking. My father asked the doctors at the beginning "what about doing nothing" - and they said it would be an "awful way to go." I am trying to get all the answers I can about treatments and how they would affect quality of life. At the same time, I want to honor his wishes that he may feel "his time has come." As background, one of the few things he still enjoys is "the gift of gab" and surgery and radiation I think will severely limit that - if not just the toll from all the treatments.

My father currently lives in a small board and care 2 minutes from our home with my mother and a few other elders. He has seen 3 of his housemates pass recently from cancer but they passed very calmly and there didn't seem much suffering. He thinks his passing from tongue cancer will be similar.

I am having a hard time getting an honest answer from doctors as to how much pain, disfigurement, etc. would be involved, and what we could do to alleviate it - and to what extent? I don't mean to be harsh in my questions, but would he starve to death or sufficate, or? I thought those of you who have medical and care backgrounds might have some honest answers.

thanks so much to all. We are heartbroken.

Marie-Jeanne