I know this has been addressed many times before, and I have read a couple of excellent posts by Brian and Gary, also on other forums where we should not look at stats, good or not, the odds of recurrence should be viewed as 50/50. I have also been encouraged by many, including my docs, SW, etc, to just live my life, I cannot control a recurrence.

There are times of weakness, I am a university educated RN, and my analytical mind goes googling for what is usually stats in my favour to make me feel better. I often refer to Brian's reference in the NEJM about 80% 5Y survival for HPV tonsil Ca survivors.

Then I came across a study in 2002 that isolated 14 HPV stage 4 tonsil Ca survivors. 12 lived to 3y, then it dropped to 7 at 4y. Only 2 were alive at 5y.
Then there is also the recent study where matted nodes were independent of all factors for survival, 7 of the 11 HPV+ with matted nodes died of metastatic disease. I might be wrong, and now I don't want to ask my ENT, but I think I might have had 2 matted nodes upon diagnosis. I remember him saying I had one node behind another.

Those 2 studies do not sound like 80%. I mean there is no guarantee I will live another 6 months, but the unlikelihood of even making 5y when I thought I had a good chance is depressing.

These mind games are driving me nuts. I need to ignore the internet. At least I have started counselling with a SW, and I see a psychiatrist in April.
I was always a big planner, and switching that to living in the moment is tough.

Sorry, I'm venting, and I hope what I've posted does not bring anyone down.

Bless you all.