Well, I saw my ENT team today...They joked as I came in, saying we justg saw you 5 weeks ago, what are you doing back so soon! Well, I really wanted to get this spot checked out that looked like a perfect cut down the side of my tongue. They looked, poked around and said it concerned them enough to do a biopsy. Here we go again, in the chair, fists clinched and then the big needle. I dont know what to think really, I have tried to get my life back in order but cant, especially after today and the emotional wreck I have already become, drugs sound like an excellent idea. I just had an ALL CLEAR scan and now this, I cant go through this again, and have already made a committment to myself that I wont go through it again. I just got into a really really good rock band and we are already having local success, I have begun my moves towards a new career and bettering my relationships. So if it is time, it is time...The worst feeling in the world is trying, succeeding, and being pulled away again.

I know most of you know me, and my psychotic ways...But I have some horrible issues, extreme depression now cursed with even more horrible thoughts. Seeking out drugs to drown the chatter and fullfill a sense of nothingness, today is just a bad milestone of what I was already preparing myself for, the reccurrence. I cant help but prepare myself for the bad news next wednsday and start thinking of ways to get my life in order and how I want my life to end. In a sick way, I would rather myself dictate how I go out and not this damn cancer. Sorry for returning as the debbie downer I am, but I broke down in the hospital today, they tried cheering me up but I am good with vibes and body language. I just see it on the doctors faces, he is usually enthusiastic but looked worried this time.

Christine, Eric, Mr. David, if you are out there...please I need your wisdom, I have just totally lost it. I love you guys, I just dont know any other reason they would have biopsied it unless they suspected it was cancer. I dont think I have the weight or strength to do this again, I am screwed up bad, tired of arguing with my councelor, I just need you guys...please.

Your Friend,
Nathan