Geri

While Christine is correct in discounting the odds (your husband either survives or he does not - it's always 100% result for individuals), even if you look at the odds of survival, IMO surgery & chemo are the ways to go. Surgery 15% , pallative care: Zero percent, chemo - ?%
I was just reading today the old adage: you can't win, if you don't play. Jim has to stay in the game if he wants to have a chance to live.
To be blunt, it's not like Jim's quality of life is going to be ruined by surgical complications, he won't have a life very long without the surgery. There are no good solutions here, no magic wands, no miracle cures. This is reality and realistically surgery is the only option of success. Plus until the pathology report comes back after surgery, the odds are just a guess. My odds dropped big time when no clear margins could be gotten, and perineural involvement showed up after the surgery. So I did over and above the maximum radiation and chemo. But I had obligations and vows to keep, so giving up was not an option for me no matter how slim the chance.
You are so right that you can not make this decision and honestly, despite all of the above, I could understand if Jim decided enough is enough. There is hope, just not certainty.
No one should have to go through what you and Jim are suffering.
charm