I don't look at the internet and I have since talked to my doctors and asked them not to tell me anything that I truly don't need to know. So at least I got that settled.

David, you are right, I am a realist to the core. When you do what I do for a job, help people with every day activities and then also help get them all cleaned up and ready for the morgue when they pass, its hard not to be a realist.

And yes, it drives me crazy when people tell me everything will be ok and everything will be fine. I would rather they try to show support by saying fight this with all you have, I know you are a fighter, so fight! Because to me, everything won't be ok, yes everything will be fine, but I don't like living a life that is just fine.

I am 25 years old, and I won't ever taste food the same again. Do you know how hard that is for someone who loves to cook and bake. They took the right half of my tongue out thanks to this beast, replaced it with skin from my left forearm. Skin doesn't have tastebuds, muscles, or nerves attached to it. I wont be able to taste or feel anything on that side of my tongue and I wont be able to move it the same. This is me being a realist.

Don't get me wrong, I am glad I went through that surgery instead of letting the beast win, but its just very tough right now to deal with.

I had so much going for me in the right direction for the first time in my life. A great job at a great facility with some pretty great residents. I was getting A's in my nursing classes and actually understanding everything, and I had friends and open lab buddies.

To have that taken from me, because of this beast, is what makes being positive so hard right now.
I know that I need to take this time to get better, and that I can always get another job, or hopefully go back to the same one, and that I might be able to go back to school. But for me, if I am not doing something to make me a better person, then I am just being lazy. And yes, a life without cancer I guess could make life better, but it doesn't make me a better person.

With so many restrictions, and no control over my own life, anything in my life, it's hard to be positive. Luckily my docs got me in to see a resident in the psych department and they put me on a anti depressant. I told them flat out, if they didn't get me on one, they were going to have one heck of a battle, when I get depressed, I refuse everything. So I am glad they did.

In a few more weeks, I should be less depressed, in a better state of mind, and be starting radiation.

Thanks for the advice and support.