Michele,
I believe it's always possible to change, it's a choice that we make. For example, I like control - and I always rationalized that as because I'm so good at it - but I'm not in charge of Jack's cancer it has a mind of it's own. As a result I'm developing an appreciation for living in the now that I did not have before.

By no means do I think this is easy or that I'm where I need to be but I'm trying and that's all we can do. Little mundane moments that we would have blown off before have become very precious to us now.

Change doesn't need to be profound, any little progress is a good thing. It's not an all or nothing phenomena but whatever you can get. Jack didn't want to discuss any of this until very recently. Even now he doesn't say too much but I've learned that just being together is being supportive. Some of our favorite moments these days are sitting in our backyard swing and not talking at all.

Maybe you can't rely this attitude to your husband but you can develop it in yourself and over time he may let some of his fear go too. I've learned that I can't force Jack to talk on my timetable or do it my way and that's a huge change for me after 25 of marriage. The interesting part in our case is that once I stopped talking he started to. Hope this helps you.
Regards JoAnne