This is probably going to end up being a silly vent when I read back over it later, but I need to get it off my chest. I have bad cancer experiences - maternal grandmother lost her battle with brain cancer when I was a senior in high school - didn't understand any of the CG stuff my mom was going through at the time because I was a self-absorbed high school kid who lost her "nanny". Then later as I was an adult my mom lost her battle with breast cancer (mets to lung & brain). I shared CG with my dad and brother (we both closed our homes and moved home). Now I am CG to my husband. Alot of this stuff (from doctors terms, to info to this vent I remember experiencing with mom).

Well - cancer sux!!!! And treatment sux too - I know we are fighting and if we don't he will die. I'm cool with that and will do everything in my power to help him through this. But it's going to be hard - some days it'll probably seem like the treatment's going to kill him not the cancer. And we'll deal with those things as they occur. And we'll parent our children and run our business along with it.

Ok - enough background, etc. my complaint is people constantly saying it will be fine, you're never given more than you can handle, he'll probably be the one who can eat through the whole thing, it won't be as bad as you're thinking, you're researching too much, you're depressing yourself, dont' ask the doctors all those questions - they went to med school - not you, you can't be the "heroine".... These people love us in their own way, but they are not helping. And sometimes I need my fear and concerns validated and not hear "it's going to be fine".
Anybody else deal with this as CG's?

Oh and the last item is a friend (20+ years) - thought we were the best of friends and like sisters as neither of us have a sister. She is married and has 3 children - she has basically disappeared - no help, no support, no phone calls, no e-mails... It breaks my heart - I guess she can't handle it and maybe it's the fear of it happening to her family. But man - it hurts!!!

Thanks for being here! I tell you what I am so blessed to have found you guys from the beginning!!

Michelle,

Just wait, I had a constant stream of neighbors and clients and friends that brought me EVERY non conventional cure known to man. Most said "oh try this, it will get rid of your cancer without attacking your body". I just thanked them and as soon as they left tossed it. At first I tried to defend my chosen horrific treatment but then I just said "thanks, I'll try that". To this day some tell me I was cured by their treatment, not Moffitt's.

Now, 19 months out I still have to hear "how are you doing" everytime someone greets me!

Michele - I think many of us have experienced exactly what you are finding. A couple of my close friends also seem to "disappear" - but luckily I had several who were right there supporting me. Even members of my own family - my brother and his wife were practically non -existent during this time, and even now whenever I go for my 3 month checkups if they happen to know they just say "oh, it will be fine, I'm sure of it". My sister is another story - right there supporting me and understanding how scary this all was and still is each time I go for tests, etc. So, even though I was the patient, not the CG, I certainly saw the same things you are seeing.... I try not to hold it against people, but sometimes it is hard not to resent it...

I have the same thing. My best, I thought, friend, just calls me to tell me about how her foot still hurts from when she broke it 2 years ago, and I just have no idea of the pain. Another good friend called to tell me that her son that just married was all she was living for and she just wants to die. WHOA!! Am I invisible, I think? Do they know who they are saying this to? I want to live!! I don't know about people. I was always taught to be more respectful. Thought it was just me.
How do you handle them?
Debbie

I am shocked and amazed at who has stood strong with me and my husband. Needless to say those who were close to me...not so much now. But I have made closer relationships with people I would not normally have made. Sometimes I ask myself what if I was on the other side would I be fearful to the point that I let somebody down...I dont know...but I do know now that I will stand with a stranger to help them with this awful situation.

Sometimes I think people are tired of hearing the bad news. HA try living it.

Cancer sure brings out the best and worst in people. The people who I thought I could count on disappeared. People from work who I wasnt close with sent me get well cards. You never know who your true allies are until something like this happens.

Dear Michelle,
I am so sorry that your best friend has disappointed you so badly. That is very sad. And how damn frustrating to hear all those plattitudes from people who are just trying to convince themselves that they don't need to be seriously worried. That's awful! I, too, remember those instances.

Although almost everyone around me was incredibly wonderful, there was one other person who I "was sure" I could count on--but I was wrong! One day she called to say "Hi, how's it going?" And although I rarely said this to anyone, I admitted to her that actually I was at home alone right then and could really benefit from some company, or at least a little cheering up. Her reply was, "Well, when you feel that way, what it means is that you actually need to spend more time alone with yourself." So you see, sometimes a so-called friend totally makes up things about us to give themselves permission to stay away. Sure sounded lofty and confident, but the comment cut me like a knife. I just started crying and hung up. Never heard from her again until we ran into each other socially and were polite and cold to each other. It's so sad to have to grieve the loss of who we THOUGHT that friend was. But I still think we're better off knowing the truth about that person. At least we won't waste any time on them. I do try not to harbor negative feelings, though. Maybe you can just shut the plattitudes and disappearing friend into a compartment in your brain/heart that's labelled "ignorant for now--too bad they will have to learn the hard way, but it's their choice, not mine." Then try to let it go, for the sake of your own peace of mind. They are not worth the energy they're draining from you. I wish I didn't say these things from my own sad experience, but at least you know that I totally empathize with you. I wonder if you'd feel better if you actually responded to one of those "all will be fine"-type comments. Like, "Even the doctors, the experts, can't tell me that everything's going to be fine. So please! Please just help me get my fears off my chest--do you have a moment now to help me just by listening? I so appreciate your caring about us and I know you really want to help."

As for your earlier losses to cancer, my gosh! You have had so many ordeals with this condition! My heart goes out to you. I lost my grandfather to lung cancer and two very dear girlfriends to other types of cancer. But your nanny and then your mom! That is just too much. I really am sorry you have to go through this. There's no such thing as a silly vent, dear friend. You just get it right out there and we will help you deal with it!!

The great news is the medical science, though. This changes the picture--it's radically better now!!! Your husband is SO lucky to have you!!! You are both in my prayers. Try to get enough rest to calm yourself and replenish your coping energy. We all care about you, so please keep us posted on how things are going, okay?
Carol

Yep
I had that too. Good friend talked with him once.... then never again. While it is true that some people just do not give a damn, it is also possible that they just do not know how to deal with this and how to behave. So they avoid you (like you have the plague..) and then because they avoided you they reach a point when it becomes acutely embarrassing. On the other hand other people surprise you and more than fill the "void".

M

Michelle- I really dislike the saying that God doesn't give you more than you can handle. Whoever came up with that one is very strong or very naive. I'm sure you feel like he's dealt you a little too much-I know i do right about now. I've also gotten sick of hearing that it's gonna be ok. It probably will not be for my husband. I often wonder if this experience will make me a better listener because you don't know how truly irritating it is to hear all this until you do under these circumstances. That is why this website has changed my life. People here don't give you standard answers. You get some tough ones along with the hopeful ones- reality vs. fiction. I have also had a so called good friend disappear. I never realized how self centered she was. Her grandparents both battled cancer and won so you think she would understand. My 18 year old daughter told me she saw this one's true colors years ago. I guess I'm not as perceptive about people as she is.

Don't ever think you are researching too much. Most of our doctor's have welcomed my questions. I even got the oncolgist to change my husband's prior treatments to once a week instead of once a month so the dosing was lower abd he wasn't as sick. You are doing the right thing. Just rememeber to take a breather for yourself once in awhile. Sue

Its ignorance and fear that makes close friends behave like this,and we had our fair share of that.Robins oldest friend from infancy till his death never came to see him or rung him up ONCE during the whole eight months he was sick.This pattern was followed by one or two of his work mates,i used to yell WTF do they think its catching?

Then there were the ones who just walked up to plate,sucked it in and supported and visited us right through.In the hospice people he hadnt seen for years came just to say goodbye.

We have a saying in yorkshire sweetie "theres nowt so queer as folk" and by god that is true.

Here i am seven months a widow suffering from the "death is catching" syndrome,and 95% of those people who shared our journey have never picked up a phone to see how i am ,including robs brother.

Its what brings us all to this forum,finding solace,love and support from people who DO understand and i say thankyou every day for that