Finally admiiting the old age thing dave? LOL

I got a lot of insults when I turned 30 and the rest when I turned 40; then was hit with more humiliation on 50 so when I just hit 60, theres nothing left they can do to me but they tried their darnest anyway. I have this floor to ceiling balloon arrangement with a huge 60 as it's centerpiece. My wife made sure she put it on display in the restaurant and now it's found it's way to my office so all my clients can ask me "whose birthday is it!". She's 10 years younger than me so you know what they say about payback !!!

LOL I bet your wife has to be very pretty with a good sense of humor to put up with an OLDER guy. Be proud of thse 60 yrs Dave and be glad you made it to them. I just think the lord looking out for me helped me make it. LOL I was too dumb to look out for myself..

Cookey, Were you referring to me when you talked about "blunt remarks made about Robin's lifrestyle by other posters". If so, why not say so directly? And if so, I just need to point out that it sounds to me like when someone makes someone else feel crappy, and not you, that is just "not engaging in flowery platitudes" but otherwise it is being judgmental.

Actually, I never judged your husband (or you!) for his lifestyle. I was married to an alcoholic for 10 years and I know how hard a struggle that addiction is for the alcoholic and his or her loved ones. But it is QUITE clear from research that continuing to consume alcohol after having oral cancer increases the chances of recurrence. That is not a judgment but a fact.

Nelie

I should say that that is true for continuing to do that in big quantities. As far as I know, there's less research indicating small quantities are harmful but every doctor I have talked to from a CCC has told me that it's safer to not drink at all.

Nelie

I think that doctors from a CCC DO stick with the "NO DRINKS" rule, usually because most people will go beyond the one occasional cocktail and make it 2 or 3 cocktails.
Truly, I do find it hard to believe that the occasional glass of wine or a beer will make any difference. But having said that, if I had gone through all the treatment for SCC I'm not sure if I would have the occasional cocktail or not. Nor could I judge anyone's personal decision. Having only watched this from the "outside" I will respect whatever decision my friend makes about her future alcohol intake-I'm just glad she is still here!!!

Liz

I admit i have had a half-glass of beer every now and then (like maybe once a month) and when I make soups I sometimes add wine (like a good fan of Julia Child. though I think most of the alcohol cooks off before I eat it in that case) I also find it hard to believe that small amounts could be harmful. But I have also had breast cancer and there is at least one study of breast cancer that found that women who drink at *all* even in moderation are significantly more likely to get it than those who don't. So maybe I should watch even the half glasses of beer--but I'm not at that point yet.

Anyway, I just wanted to say again to Cookey--I'm not sure if you were referring to me or not in that post but if you were I am *really* sorry you took what I said (I'm really not sure what it was) as being judgmental. I often felt reading what you were going through that it easily could have been me when I was married to my ex- the primary reason he became an ex is that I was afraid his drinking would kill him (thourgh disease--he was not a person who drove drunk or anything) and just being married to me may have been keeping him from hitting his bottom enough to stop. I turned out to be right about the latter although it took another 4-5 years after we split up for him to really hit bottom and do what he needed to do to quit--fortunately before it killed him, but sadly not in time to save our marriage. Anyway, I felt I could easily have been in your shoes and felt a lot of sympathy for his struggle and your loss. I'm sorry if that somehow did not come across.

Nelie

I think I want to try to explain again why I said what I did about asking "why" to David-sticking solely with how it affected me when he did that to me recently. And I want to say again at the start that I respect your contributions here, David, and I respect your curiousity and I know your intentions are good. I am hurt that your response to this is to immediately accuse me of NOT haivng good intentions and "having it out" for you - it is so much easier to resolve these things if we both are able to at least give ach othr the benefit of the doubt that way. But that is beyond my ability to control.

I don't do a lot of talking about this here but obviously having such problems swallowing for 2 and 1/2 years after the end of my treatment, and fighting those problems with multiple surgeries, some of which had their own complications, has been difficult and dsicouraging. Aside from all the surgery, a swallowing disability is something you face every single day. It affects your social life. It makes you feel like you stand out like a sore thumb at times when there's a social occasion when everyone is eating and you can't. And because you don't carry a sign around your neck to make it visible, people, even those who KNOW you can't eat much, repeatedly say things like "oh, try some of the fruit salad it's delicious" - at which point you have to say "I'd love to but unfortuantely I can't" and then reassure them when they feel bad about saying it because they forgot you can't eat fruit salad. It's a freaking hard disability to deal with. You spend a lot of time in extremely frustrating circumstances trying to reassure other people you're ok.

One of the ways I HAVE dealt with it is to hang onto the hope that, although it has been a hard fight, if I keep fighting the fight I will make progress. And I have made progress, though certainly less than I hoped for and very slowly. I work hard to stay positive and hopeful and not let this ruin my life. But it is often frustrating and it takes work to keep it in perspective.

I have posted a lot about what I've learned about the causes of my disability along the way here. Anyone that wants to know what I've been through and been told only needs to do a search and look.

Which is why, when David asked me a little over a week ago what caused it and why I had this disorder and most other people did not, my first reaction was that if he was really interested he could search on that and my second reaction was "thanks for reminding me that this doesbn't happen to everyone but it has happened to me" and my third reaction was "how should I know why it happened to me and not others. I'm not God. I don't know why I got a stricture and radiation wore away my epilgottis and others don't have that happen. No doctor has been able to tell me that either. They all just say sometimes it happens." In short, just the question made me feel sad and frustrated. Try to put yourself in my shoes.

None of these thoughts were what I posted in response though. Instead I stepped away from the keyboard and I decided that it might be helpful for other people going through swallowing problems to know what different thinsg can contribute to that. So I came back and wrote a detailed reply about the five or so factors that I've been told are contributing to my swallowing problems.

And, I get the response by David "I wish you luck in recovering but you sure have a lot going against you"

David, I know the good wishes were genuine but couldn't you just THINK before adding the rest of it? I'm well aware I have a lot going against me, I really don't need to be reminded of that when I come here. I come here for support not to feel like my hope is a delusion. That made me feel really sad and discouraged.

AND this all left me feeling sort of used--for the purposes of satiating someone else's curiousity without there being much empathy there in return. And then I saw that this same sort of question ws being asked of other people in really bad circumstances here -like the woman whose husband had been just diagnosed with SCC that had spread to the skin and was told it was now terminal. I can't imagine being asked to explain why at that moment was what she came here for. And so when the question was asked again here I just couldn't contain myself any longer.

Anyway, as I said, I have come here for two reasons. Support for myself and to give support to others. I am left feeling like the first reason isn't really happening right now and I'm not sure if I am helping other people. Since I am at the bottom of the bell curve in terms of bad longlasting side-effects of radiation, maybe offering my experince just scares more people than it helps.

So I think I need a break from this for a while.

Nelie