I know I feel very scared sometimes, wondering if this will come back and when. I tell myself to be thankful that right now, I am healthy, happy, and have a good life, but sometimes it's just not enough to keep those feelings away... The other day I bought some little things on sale post Christmas for next Christmas's stockings, etc, and as I put them away I had a fleeting thought that I should tell my husband where they were in case I'm not here next Christmas. Morbid? Yes - but also realistic. I tell myself that NO ONE knows for sure if they'll be here tomorrow... but then again not everyone has to live with knowing that they have a 65% chance of their cancer recurring....and constantly looking in their mouth and feeling their neck and imagining new aches and pains....
I don't worry my husband or the rest of my family about these feelings - I know everyone here understands and has been there before. And I also feel deep sorrow for all the people who have lost this battle or are fighting new recurrences - and wish I could do more.
But in the meantime I will push those feelings aside for a while, go take my dogs for a walk with my wonderful husband, and we will cook an amazing New Year's Eve dinner tonight... I hope most of the rest of you can have a good start to the New Year!
