Michelle,

I know this will sound quaint maybe but I want to put this out there.....

Sometimes the things that we think are for one reason really turn out to be for another reason entirely.

It is best to look forward not wondering what went wrong (and I am really not one to talk here since I am most guilty of this) but spend the time thinking about what you want.

As a caregiver, I can honestly say that we give up our whole life to take care of others. We do it gladly and graciously with love and honor. Look at this as an opportunity to be selfish without the guilt of wondering who you might be hurting in the process. We caregivers tend to carry a lot of guilt and now is your opportunity to break free and let go.

I know this all seems easy to say, and you're right. We are all full of advice until we have to look in the mirror and listen to ourselves. Then those easy words become the most difficult to carry out.

It is your time now. You have given only a piece of yourself to him and now you have a chance to take back who you are or want to be.

When the crying is done and you are ready to move forward, open the windows and unlock the doors and step out into the sunshine.

Feel it warm you inside and out, then turn and walk into your new life.

Someday, Dan will discover that he made a terrible mistake. I am married to one who will always be in a position to realize things too late. I don't understand people who can't value the gifts they have now. The ones who never know what they have until it is gone. But it is their loss and I would bet that you will find down the road that this was a turning point that leads you to the happiest places in your life.

Make the most of it and you will never regret a thing!!

I feel your pain because I live in fear of the same outcome sometimes. Just hang onto those things that make you wonderful and you will make it through this.

All my thoughts!
Cindy

Cindy
I am so proud of you!
What a lovely thoughful and kind post.
Made me cry.... if that hubby of yours does not see what a gem you are , shame on him.
Take Care
Marica

Marica: yes, shame on him for sure.

Thanks Cindy and everyone for the kind words and encouragement. I've heard of cases before where the caregiver leaves, but never the reverse. I was wondering if anyone has heard something like this due to the radiation. Dan is not aware of the post- radiation problems he may face.....nerve damage, twitches and such. I could never get him to read anything on it, and it never came up in his visits. I never had the heart to tell him what may lie ahead. Since radiation can cause such damage along with the good, I was wondering if perhaps there may have been some damage in his brain that impacted behavior, etc. During his tx when he was so very sick, he experienced a huge problem with delerium. They thought the cancer had spread to his brain. The MRI showed no cancer, but some changes that are typical with dementia patients. I was so glad there was no cancer, I really never pushed the docs for a more definitive answer.

I'm sorry to hear this but, to be honest, I have issues with the title of the post. Some of us are not going to win this battle and the title, at first look, gives a bit of a chill.

Hello Michelle,

Sorry to hear your bad news. I like Glenn have issues with the title of your post. Cancer hasn't killed anyone in your post. When we lose a member to this diaease it hits us all pretty hard ands it's real.

I totally understand what you are saying. But it has killed my marriage, part of me, and part of Dan as well. Cancer can be a killer in more ways than taking life and breath away.

Cancer changes everything......and whether a person wants to admit it or not, a person's life (although it may be spared to the disease) is never the same. I have suffered a huge loss to cancer and I am grieving bigtime, and trust me dear fellow, this IS VERY REAL.....we are both suffering, and my marriage is dead. Dan's and my life have changed forever....our marriage died.

Should Dan's cancer return, I can not be there, where I should be, to care for him, hold him and allow him to as he so often put it.....to "die in my arms." So have an issue if you like, but YOU may not know my grief as you have not experienced it from my standpoint. So my "member" may not have been lost to the disease, so far, but part of both Dan and I have lost so much due to this horrible illness.

I'm extremely disappointed that some of the people here are too self-absorbed to understand, or try to understand, someone's grief other than their own.

I want to reply to this, but i dont know how. That last comment you made was harsh and i believe not needed. I too had issues with your topic, but I knew you were in pain. I recenntly lost my mom to this and she was my best friend. And i was her caregiver, so i know how hard that can be, but To not be able to have a chance to ever speak to her again, kills me. You and your husband still can have that. He did have a choice in what he did.

Michelle, we are all very sorry for what has happened in your life.

At the same time, please do not stike out at people here. We know a lot more about oral cancer than we do about relationship problems, but that does keep us from feeling bad for you, and no one has suggested that you take your difficulties elsewhere.

Nobody can fault you for what you might think, but please do not insult the people on this forum who have been through some really tough times themselves.

I wish you ease in your heart and that you soon recover your equilibrium.

Michelle, while this is not a cancer related story, I want to share with you the experience I had. I "nursed"-i.e. supported my 1st husband through 4 yrs. of Med school,internship, and residency and fellowship, kept the home fires burning while he was in Viet Nam, stopped teaching when he had finally made it into pratice, and then listened dumbfounded when after 18 yrs of marriage, he announced that he was in love with another[read 10 yrs. younger woman]I then found a new career, pretty much raised our daughter alone and managed to enjoy being single for 11 odd yrs. before remarrying. It will take time for you to absorb whats happening, but You can do anything you set your mind to, including surviving and gaining strenght from this situation. If you were strong enough to care for someone with cancer, you are strong enough to do anything. Remember "I am Woman, hear me roar" Amy