Helen,
You have far more strength then you realize. Keep talking about it and sharing how you feel, that in itself will help.
Love, Minnie

Thanks Minnie
Came back to try and delete that last post, I was full of anger when I wrote it and of course you never can take anger back..Just dealing with everything badly at the moment, everyone is still leaning on ME, and I've reached rock bottom, still if that's true the only way is up.. right trying to kick my own rear end.. if that doesn't work, well there is always the red wine...
love Helen

Helen -- thanks for sharing your true heart... let it out, friend... There are days and times when I feel this way as well, and others around me don't understand and try to "prop me up," etc. But sometimes you've just got to call a spade a spade -- this sucks at the moment and I'll get over that feeling as soon as I get my feelings out, so let me be, etc....

There is an author that I read a lot right after college, whose name escapes me now. He was an Ivy League professor with a grand resume, but felt God calling him to minister to a community of (not sure of the politically correct word for this) handicapped adults, who didn't really care about his resume but just wanted someone to talk to, be cared for by, etc.

Anyway, this author went through a period of depression as he made the adjustment to his new life's calling. And no one seemed to be able to provide comfort to him except this one Episcopal priest, who just allowed him to lay his head on his shoulder and cry whenever they met. The priest never really said anything, but just let him be, let him process, etc. Sometimes I think we need more people like that priest, folks around us who just let us be through those tough times without turning into Mr. Fix It -- "Well, what you really need to do is..."

Anyway, sorry to ramble... And thanks again Helen for being human with us and showing us all how to be human through this crazy stuff...

Helen, Glad you could let your guard down for a moment. I can tell you that I believe we are all afraid of what is or is about to happen to us. The unknown always scares us, us being humans, that is. Every treatment that has been done has scared me. Anytime a doctor comes near me with a sharp implement my heart rate goes up and my breathing quickens. Even when they were just going to remove my peg I was very freightened, and that was a piece of cake. The only way I have found to deal with the fear is to pray that God will be with me and help me and support me and pull me through the experience. That seems to alleviate the fear to a large degree. Once I admit that I am not in control and that a supreme being is in control, even to the point that he will answer my prayers and direct the doctors skills to be successful in the coming procedure, once that has occurred, I can relax and have faith in the outcome. This strategy may not work for everyone, but it sure has worked for me. Even during rad, I spent the entire 15-30 minutes on the table praying for support for me, the doctors skill, the destruction of the tumor, help for all of my fellow patients, and before I knew it, the procedure was over and I was back to it.

I also don't worry about other people asking me about the disease or constantly reminding me of it. I beat it and it is now time to get on with the rest of my life. Don't have time to sit in the soup and worry about it. If others ask me about it, I reply, and then move on. Who cares, after all, as the disease was defeated by a very competent medical team. And it is time to move on now. And it is my job, not theirs, to do what ever is needed to recover. It was their job to fix it, and it is my job to get back to as close to what I used to have and be as possible. Somehow, I don't think Lance Armstrong worried about other people making him better. He took it upon himself to get back his strength, skill, stamina, etc. I bet he also welcomes peoples comments about his disease as that is an opportunity to help with others feelings about the disease.

I also think the Lord may be directing me to help others through the experience of this disease. Perhaps that is why I am in the position I am in. Perhaps I am His tool. If that is the case, I just hope I can do a decent job.

Well, how did I get onto this soap box. Sorry. Helen, just hang in there as there is still work for you to do here. Your posts have always brightened my day and I thank you for that. Don't worry about the upcoming surgery, what will be will be. Worrying won't change anything and will just give you another gray hair. Will be praying for you and know you will be strong and back to us soon after your next opportunity to get better.

Helen,

I'm glad you got to vent, glad you couldn't "take it back." It has to come out sometime, otherwise it's in there banging around in your head and heart and causing all sorts of turmoil!! Trying to be strong all the time is hard.

I recently had a break-down on vacation. I had tried so hard to paste on the "I'm OK" smile because frankly, people can't often deal with the "real truth" of how you feel. They do want to "fix" things for you and sometimes there just (sadly) isn't a fix. I, too, am leaned on by so many. I was leaned on heavily by people during Scott's illness and after his death. My break-down on vacation came out because I just suddenly felt like it was too much to pretend to be "normal." I got so tired of being strong, being leaned on, having all the responsibility placed on me for so many things when the person whom I leaned on, (I finally had a person in my life I could lean on) is gone. What I need is Scott's arms around me, telling me things will be OK, making me feel safe and loved...but he's not here and yes, I had him for a time, and yes, I am healthy and my girls are healthy and financially we are going to be OK. But my beloved is gone and I feel like it's just me in the world (even though I know that is not the case).

Oh, see, I can ramble with the best of them. I know I have a lot to be thankful for, but I still feel like I am "living with cancer" because I now have a view of life and death that has changed me forever.

And for the record (lest someone think this thread has totally gotten off topic) every time I come to this thread or read a post by Gita, I can't help but be thankful she came to us here at OCF, that she is obviously a brilliant and thoughtful person, that she is an old soul (however young she may be), and that she and my Scott would no doubt have been best of friends. Her intellectualizing reminds me of Scott, and I appreciate that beyond what I can say.

So, thank you Gita, for giving us your perspective, your ideas. Thank you.

Christine

Gita...by the way, I love the Rilke quote you chose, and as a lover of literture (as was my Scott), I couldn't resist ordering some used Rilke books through the Amazon link on this site. I'd forgotten how beautiful Rilke's writing is.

Christine

dan, helen and everybody: thank you all for sharing so much. i can't really say much to the experiences, emotions and thoughts brought up by the last few posts because i only experience cancer vicariously through my sister rather than personally. but i'd like to say that i'm humbled by what has been discussed, and by dan's attitude and helen's openness.

i'm addressing earlier postings in the thread also because i want to continue thinking and talking about them.

- i totally understand gary's desire to not be labled. nevertheless, lables are out there and work as markers of where you stand in relationship to the medical governing mechanisms as well as to the larger society. i started this thread in the activism forum because i wanted to talk about changing the mind-set and the system. the terminology signifies the mind-set that runs the system. it seems necessary to look for alternative terms that can emblematize differing attitudes. perhaps there are things that we can learn from other activist campaigns such as AIDS. but i also don't want the debate about terminology to take over. the underlying issues are more important.

- i agree with AzTarHeel's earlier posting in this thread that the underlying causes of cancers are not addressed by treatments. in fact, they're rarely addressed by the medical system except to lable people as "high risk" based on their life-style, so we all know that if you're a smoker and you drink heavily your risk of getting cancer is higher. well, my sister's not a smoker and she doesn't drink alcohol, and prior to being diagnosed, she'd always been health-conscious in terms of food and physical activity. so she can't be labled as "high-risk." then why does she have this form of cancer? most history forms you fill out when you step through the door of a medical facility ask you about smoking and alcohol, but not other potential risk factors. in the case of my sister, for example, we are pretty sure that cancer has to do with her occupation in the fashion industry and cosmetics which exposed her for many hours every day over many years to all the harmful chemicals that go into cosmetics products. nobody is interested in knowing this and talking about it so that it seems like "smoking and alcohol" have become smoke screens for other possible causes. even in cases where the relation of occupational and environmental factors and various forms of cancer have been scientifically established, very little is being done to change the conditions. for example, nobody goes around telling people that working in the manufacturing side of the high-tech industry in silicon valley puts you at high risk for cancer.

- if cancer was a virus, the world health organization would declare a global pandemic as they did recently in the case of the much less wide-spread SARS. given the astronomical number of people afflicted with the illnesses known as cancer, it is quite amazing that so little is being done to change the conditions that increase the likelihood of their appearance. again, environmental, occupational and nutritional factors all need to be addressed if we were to deal with the underlying causes rather than the tumor alone.

- finally, the last few postings seem to me to illustrate the issue that many people have raised in this thread: that is the medical system is ignorant about the psychological and spiritual dimensions of cancer and leaves people hanging here. most of us who've found our way to these boards are privileged and resourceful people otherwise we wouldn't be here. i shudder to think of the majority of people who go through these stages without the benefit of a support network. and i've met many of them.


you are all in my good thoughts for healing and peace. much love to you.

gita

Thanks to you all
Yes I think once I have the surgery I will have a permenent label, it will be indelible and every time I look in the mirror I will be reminded, so I have a choice here, either I look at the scars and think yep I did well I beat this, or I look in the mirror and mourn what has gone, but if I do this at least I stand a chance of looking in the same mirror in 10 years and saying UM.. wasn't so bad and I'm still here to moan about it.. My family Doc, says better to breath air through a hole in your neck than mud through your nose.. so YEP my feet are pretty much back on the ground, and I promise if I get in a blue funk, I will remember you all went before me, and NO I won't let the side down...
SO...
Sunshine.. love and hugs to you all
Helen

christine,

we were posting around the same time, so when i was writing my last one i hadn't yet read yours yet. thank you for such a generous expression of affinities. i am deeply moved, and my face has gone red! i'm sorry to not have met scott, but glad you are here to talk about him. i've had the fortune of crossing paths with some great people here whose humanity has come to my aid in some of the toughest times i've experienced in my life. it is these encounters that have made me realize how frighteningly lonely it is out there, and how important the loose community that we have here. for creating this space, my sincere thanks go to brian. and i thank all of you for being here.

as helen says:
Sunshine... love and hugs to you all.

gita

Rilke is the most amazing poet and I recently used one of his writings in my wedding.

Given the thread above about scars, I want to share with you the quote I just cut out to post in my office by Carly Simon about here breast cancer scars:

"A really strong woman accepts the war she went through and is ennobled by her scars".


Helen-that one is for you.

Kim