Don't feel bad about anything Sabrina, With this
diaease anything is allowed. The whole scene is scary until you go through it. We all survived the treatment and you will to. Thankfully you have this forum to vent and ask any question you want. Someone will be there to answer it. Do you see the light at the end of the tunnel?

Dan

Sabrina,

I have always been a bit claustrophibic. When I was in grade school several of us decided to crawl into a big sewer pipe and see where it went. It kept getting smaller and branching off yet into smaller pipes. Eventually we were crawling on our stomachs in pitch black. I had several people behind me and suddenly the pipe filled with water. I was kicking trying to get out wondering if I would drown before they realized I was under water. We crawled backwards just as I gasped for air, my heart pounding. I didn't think much about it after that but as I got older, my fear of confined space has gotten greater. Three years ago I flew to Japan for the first time since 1960 and we went from Dallas to Washington DC to pick up my youngest son, on to Chicago and then to Tokyo. We were flying for about 17 hours and about 3 hours into it, I just about freaked.

Do you think I was a bit tense with my head latched down and barely able to breath and swallow? I tried to play it cool but I questioned everyone as to what would happen if I started choking on the thick, long, stringy, brown goo. Pants or no pants, you were a bigger man than I when they kept you constrained while they did the Bill Gates Microsoft standard support "reboot". I almost had to go outside of the house and walk around thinking about it!

Hang in there, it is almost time to pass go and progress on to the next phase of your journey.

Ed

Dear Sabrina,

Dennis is the most unemotional person I know, and he lost it during the mask-making phase.

Apparently, they put the straps on, pulled his shoulders down.....and this previously unknown tech in the room slapped the mesh over his face without any warning. Dennis didn't make it but a minute or so before he started hollering that the thing had to come off now! Thankfully, the doctor happened down the hall at the same time he went off. She calmly walked in, told the tech to take it off immediately, and after a few minutes they continued. This tech got his butt chewed, but I can see how you can forget the patient's point of view when you deal with radiation every day.

Dennis loves this radiation doctor, not just for this reason, but it was his first reason to trust her.

Love,
Mandi

Hi Sabrina,
no need to be embarrassed! I just wanted it over with also and in addition to them switching LINAC's in the middle of treatment (I was being treated on the "research" machine), the "new" machine kept breaking down. Several times they had to cancel because of machine downtime. I also went through the reboot stuff and the drawn out treatment. I was a little frustrated during this period.

My mask covered my shoulders so there were no other straps involved. I lost so much weight towards the end I could move around in the mask a little. In the beginning the mask was so tight my skin would pop through the holes and when they took the mask off it looked like I had scales like a fish.

I had really great techs -they were always kind and compassionate - they always came into the room immediately afterwards to release me. They went the distance to make me comfortable - always had extra pillows and blankets ready.

My primary tech was receiving her training at the same time that I worked for Siemens (and that was back in the 70's).

I used to play Gospel music (Andre Crouch - "Mercy" CD) at full blast the whole time I was being treated - same CD every day (probably drove them nuts). They had to turn the intercom off because the other patients could hear it down the hall.

I spent a lot of time praying, talking and listening to God during those sessions and it really helped me to get through it. The rad sessions were the easy part. Alternately I slept through some of the treatments.

Dan - I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I'm praying for a coma to get there. I don't know how you guys (encompassing term- not gender biased! ) went through longer and/or stronger rad beams. I keep saying "if they did it, I can do it." That little voice is turning it into a question, though .

Ed - I can COMPLETELY imagine that. I felt the water and everything. I went to Vietnam and one trip let us go through the underground tunnels. There were probably 50 of us, and I'm somewhere in the middle. At the very end, when the tunnels were the smallest and the darkest, I almost lost it. Kept my eyes closed and pretended I was in bed asleep. Never again, thank you! And those were the "larger" tunnels for us big 'ol Americans. Wow!

Mandi - thanks for the encouragement (and to Dan and Ed). I can't wait for the time the treatment isn't scarier than the disease itself.

Sabrina

I had great techs. I try to stop in and say hello everytime I go back for follow-ups. Funny thing is I still get nauseated everytime go down to the machine....

The techs let me bring my own CDs to play during the daily treatments. I always tried to bring something different. It helped, but not much. And it certainly didn't help to have them talk about how when they were little, their dad used to listen to my music selections. In any case, I would plug the CD in and start it, take my shoes and shirt off as they required. I would climb up on the table and they would hand me my stint. I hated the stint -- almost as much as the mask. I would sit there on the table with my stint in hand trying to calm myself, taking slow deep breaths. Then I would put the stint in my mouth and wait to get one good swallow in. I had to prove to myself each time that I could still swallow with the stint proping my mouth open. Only then would I lay down and let them strap my hands and put the mask on. The panic signal was to raise my knees as they were watching me on video. I would lay there and count the stops the machine would make as it radiated each field -- there were ten of them. During the first four weeks of treatment, I was on the verge of raising my knees during any given moment. Although during the last couple of weeks, I finally got a little hardened to the experience. Probably the one thought more than any other that kept me from raising my knees was; even if they stopped the treatment and let me out of the mask, I was still going to have go back under the mask and finish the treatment. There was no escaping it unless I wanted to quit and let the disease win, which was not an option.

...which don't believe is an option for you either, Sabrina. You're almost done. Even if you freek out every day of treatment you have left, you're almost done! Then you'll ring the bell and be on the other side of it. Hang in there...

-Brett

The last thread is why I appreciate this forum. We all struggled but until someone else needs a little support, our struggles seemed so personal. The fact they can be used to help others makes it all worth it! Thank you Sabrina, for letting us be there for you to lean on. I feel a song coming on...

"Lean on me, when you're not strong and I'll be your friend.
I'll help you carry on, for it won't be long 'til I'm gonna need somebody
to lean on.
Please swallow your pride, if have things you need to borrow.
For no one can fill those needs that you won't let show.
You just call on me brother when you need a hand.
We all need somebody to lean on.
I just might have a problem that you'll understand.
We all need somebody to lean on."

How appropriate! I love you guys!

Ed

There was a pst several months ago that told of ringing a bell three times on your last day of radiation. The cancer center I was at gave me a
graduation cert. I thought the ringing of the bell three times was much better.
If I remember it correctely you would say

" Ring this bell three times well and it will surely say" My treatments done, and I am on my way."
I know I'm missing part of the saying but my radiated brain can't remember it all. Any help out there?

Dan

The "graduation cert" is a neat idea. I finsihed my second go around with rad about a year ago almost exactly, did a follow up visit Tuesday. They say that smell brings back memories, the peculiar smell the radiation department has brought back all sorts. The sound of the Linac machine, the clamps going down on the mask, the peculiar non taste that food finally had. Seems so recent, but on the other hand seems so distant. Both my wife and I hated Hong Kong for months because it brought back too many bad memories.

Luckily, as you will all find, time heals everything, even my experience the first time around with rad and chemo seems a distant memory, except for a particular morphine induced nightmare, which for some reason I can recall vividly.
Bob

Hi Dan,
My radiation center did the bell ringing ceremony. It was such a big thing for all of us, all the doctors and nurses came out for it. The bell was mounted on a wall, beautiful wooded frame, with a picture and dedication of the woman and her family that donated it. She was a 20+ year cancer survivor.
The poem goes like this:
Ring this bell three times well
It will clearly say
My course is run
My treatments done
And I am on my way!!
I will never forget ringing that bell.
Good luck Sabrina, your new life is waiting for you so GO for it!