Hi, Maris.

I'm sorry about your daughter's cancer and the strain that you are feeling in your relationship. You are right in your instincts not to take it personally, as hard as that may be.

I can remember sitting in my recliner as I recovered after my first surgery. I'm not sure how far out I was, but I was in a deep depression. Even though I got good news in that I had clear margins and clear nodes from my neck dissection, I sank into a deep depression.

My Mom took a FMLA to come up and take care of me so my husband could return to work and so she could help take care of my 2-year-old dtr. I was at least 30 weeks pregnant with my second child, my son. I was just staring at the TV and I could feel her watching me. She finally said, "You seem very depressed.". I just flatly replied, "I *am* very depressed." as tears rolled down my cheeks. You must try to keep in mind that her life as she once knew it has been turned upside down by this disease. She was probably healthy one day and told she could die the next. That can lead to some serious emotional problems. I was diagnosed with PTSD, which only worsened after my second diagnosis, which was much more serious in that I would have to undergo more surgery and chemoradiation and now had 2 children.

She is fortunate to have you there to take care of her. She may need some time to come around. She may need to seek help for treatment for possible depression/anxiety. It affects all of us...caregivers just as much, I think. Please remember to take care of yourself, too. Since she is a little further out from her surgery, you may not need to be there as much and you can take a probably much-needed reprieve.

I am confident that things will "normalize" in time. Things have changed for all of you and time, and perhaps with some specialist help, it may make all the difference in getting you back on the road to having your "old" relationship back.

Best wishes,
Kerri

Thanks,Karen,its been 4 months out for us and some days I notice a change in her mood,as she is more receptive in talking and other days not so much,I believed she would feel a relief that surgery went well,never thinking depression. As for feeling smothered,I am going to visit my sister up north and let her and her husband be alone,maybe with not so many people around,she might actually have a chance to think.

Could be pain too. When I have it, I don't want to be bothered, and don't talk much.

I want to thank everyone for all the helpful insight into being a caregiver of a cancer patient and after 4 months of very little communication we are beginning to talk and joke like we used to. It doesn't happen everyday,some days are good and some aren't so good,but at least I understand why and when to back off.

That's progress. Glad to hear it.