This is my third recurrence and had 2 chemo treatments of Cisplatin and 16 treatments of rad to my neck area where they removed a large tumor 6cm. I do not think any other nodes were involved. I'm due for 15 more treatments but this weekend has been real tough. It will be just a few days when I will not be able to swallow and my esophagus is fried. I've lost all taste even sweet and sour. I will always wonder when recurrence 4 will be around the corner. You have all helped me a lot and guided me through my first 2 battles.I am disappointed in myself but this quality of life for me now is not worth continuing the radiation treatment. Many of you have been here I know....but I do not want to loose what little ability I have to enjoy the rest of my life. Thanks for your support Steve Hurlock

Having had cancer myself 5 times, I often thought of this, and even worse, but in retrospect 3 years later, I'm still here, and happy with that decision to go on, which I can't say was easy. Have you discussed this with your doctor, family? Maybe see a counsellor to get you though these tough times, and maybe some meds to make you feel better. Some of the effects of treatments are temporary, like taste, and will come back to some extent. Without completing treatment, you may not have time left to enjoy yourself. Hang in there, and reconsider.

This is my husband's third occcurence and he will not give up fighting no matter how hard the treatment is. We have so much to do yet in life, travel, see our grandkids grow up, and love and be with each other. The treatments and surgeries are always bad but it will be worth it in the end. You can look back and say Ha Ha I cheated death once more.

I'm so sorry Steve. I know this is probably something you have given a tremendous amount of thought and we have to respect your wishes. If there is any flicker of doubt though, we would love to see you go on. No judgement though, it is you going through it and only you can make this decision.
Blessings,
Kathy

Oh Steve. I'm so sorry that things have got so bad for you. I'm presuming that your medical team are aware of how treatment is affecting you and what you are now considering.
Please be aware that most of what you are experiencing is temporary. It does get better. It takes time but it most certainly does get better.
I really hope that you have a solid support network to support and guide you from herein.
As Paul said - please reconsider.
Tammy

Steve, I am so sorry you are going thru treatments again. They were bad enough the first time around! I do understand why you are considering your quality of life. Its not easy being sick all the time. It makes you rethink everything and the reasons why you are going thru it. Just remember when doing treatments they are temporary. You will return to your old self soon after you are finished. In the whole scheme of things this is a small bump in the road (even though it sure doesnt seem like a small bump now, it really is). Try to step back and view the big picture.

Ive gone thru OC 3 times myself so I know where you are coming from. The 3rd time I almost quit and did nothing. At that time I couldnt think of one 3 time survivor. Brian Hill convinced me that patients really can get thru 3 rounds of OC. The members of this forum helped me to realize I couldnt just quit without even trying to get rid of the cancer. It was a very long road for me with my disfiguring surgery and year of recovery but I did it. Looking back, I would have done the same thing again but at that time I never would have believed I could do it.

I can only hope you will find some resolution to finish what you started. It will get better and even with limitations you can go on to lead a productive life. It may be different but you can learn to adjust. Please give it another try! Just in case you wont, Im in your corner anyway.

Best wishes with everything you decide!!!

Steve

I think it's difficult for those who have not had the cancer come back more than once to truly understand the feelings of despair that all of us in the recurrence club experience at one time or another. One reason I recommended Cyberknife earlier to you was that it packs so much radiation wallop into each session that the normal duration is only one week. 31 treatments would test the resolve of anyone the third time around. But like they used to say: in for a nickel, in for a dime.
Of course you do not want to lose your swallowing ability but it is preferable to losing your life? It's not like you will ever be able to eat normally again anyway, is it? While the radiation is affecting your swallowing, if you stop, the cancer will keep growing and you still will lose your ability to swallow. So you don't really achieve your goal, as the life you miss so much is gone forever already. That train has left the station. What's left is the local train thru Hell.
I'm not going to give you any rah rah speech about never giving up etc, it's likely you will get plenty of those from friends, family or some posters. Instead let me ask you to ask yourself a few questions.
When you post that you are disappointed in yourself, that tells me that you know what you should be doing here. Or else why would you be disappointed?
Are you going to disappoint your family too?
I've been waking up after sleepless nights and choking on mucous and not being able to breathe and feeling just like the Zombies on the Walking Dead (and moving just about as fast) for over two months now after my third round of TX and let me tell you how disappointed I am in my quality of life.
I was planning on buying an inflatable Grinch and putting it up instead of the Christmas tree this year with a big: BAH Humbug sign. Instead my wife convinced me to put up the tree and all the lights and decorations. Now I'm glad I did.
Only you can decide when enough is enough, but don't be too hasty here. You can always pack it in if there is a 4th time but if you quit now, then all this chemo and radiation was in vain, as well as all your pain. You should have gotten the feeding tube by now, are you putting any wine down it yet?
If not, why not? After we put up the tree, I poured a glass of wine for my wife, then myself, and we toasted. We have a regular happy hour. Look around you to see how "normal' people are enjoying this holiday: with a glass of wine. You can partake of that normal life even if you can't swallow.
But I do not know your personal circumstances and who depends on you or how much love and support you get. I do know that if I did not have my wife and son, I would not have not agreed to the salvage surgery treatment which took away forever my swallowing and left me speech impaired. It's not like I do not understand how important swallowing is, so while I do not agree with your decision and hope you change your mind, I do understand how and why you could make it. I do hope that maybe those first 16 were enough so it all works out well for you.
Charm

Hey Steve,

I was very close to where you are right now. I was told the 33 rounds of IMRT with chemo weekly did not get all the cancer after my recurrence. That was my second set of IMRT radiation in two years and I was only 4 weeks from the finish of treatment when the PET showed the residual cancer.

I could have given up right then as they had nothing more for me and wanted to put me on palliative chemo with a 9 month prognosis till death.

I decided to try and find a doctor that would do surgery even though everybody told me that surgery would kill me (but they also told me that I could not have any more radiation).

Within a few weeks I found a place that would do cyberknife radiation (5 treatments over 11 days). I really had to think about this. I was only a few weeks out of IMRT and was feeling terrible. I didn�t think I could do more radiation. I wasn�t sure I had it left in me let alone the quality of life issues coming out the back end.

Well I did decide to go with the radiation and it worked. I can no longer eat by mouth (I can drink) and even though I am 10 months out I am fairly fatigued every day. I wake up in pain every morning as it feels like someone slammed me in the side of the head with a 2X4. A few pain meds and aspirin generally gets rid of this in about 45 min.

I don�t regret the decision. I have to change the way I live but I am alive. I miss eating but not as much as I thought I would. I have a wife and son who want me around and I want to be around for them.

I found that quality of life is what you make it. I have a completely different view on what quality is and it continues to change every day. I�m working again and am thinking of starting a side business making table tops from exotic woods (something I always wanted to do). I�m OK financially as long as I watch my money and have lowered my sights regarding having tons of money one day. I live a much simpler life then I did just two years ago. I�m OK with that but I had to evolve into this attitude over many months. I hope you try and go one more round with the beast and possibly give yourself that same time to find a balance in your life that allows you to live with a quality of life you can accept. Take a look at cyberknife just the same. It�s faster with fewer side effects.

Steve, I am sorry that you have gotten to this point in your treatment that you feel like you can do no more. I think we all think that at some point in the process. I hope that you decide to keep on fighting. Living even with all the many side effects has got to be better than the alternative. The human spirit is very resilient and you will find a number of things that you think you would miss are actually not that important. I know many who are no longer here that would give anything for the chance to keep on fighting. They sadly didn't have that option. I feel that it is up to the rest of us to keep up the good fight in their honor. However, it is certainly your own personal decision. Just want you to know that we will all be here to push you on should decide to continue with your treatments. Good Luck to you, Steve.

Steve, I've been reading the posts from these amazing people and realizing how lucky we all are that options are open to us to fight these terrible things.

I respect your decisions. 100%. It's your life and you should have every right to live it the way you want.

But at the same time I hope you'll consider the fact that all of these heroes have been through what you're going through (I consider myself a very junior member of our family) and made the decision to keep at it, for themselves, for their families, for friends, for whatever reasons.

I can't even imagine how hard it must be for you right now. I honestly can't. I had a few months of pain, a year or so lost in a fog and some side effects that linger. Easy for me to say that I never was anything but completely convinced that I'd come out ok.

You're in a different position. But the basic facts remain: life is better than the alternative. There's no comparison. As there are no guarantees even if you decide to go on with the most aggressive treatment you can find.

But you'll never know if it could work unless you give it a shot.

I'm not preaching or moralizing. I'm personally not religious and I look at things - I hope - logically and dispassionately. My quality of life isn't as great as it was 4 years ago. But I'm alive, and so are you.

Please continue to be so. We want you around.