Seana,
your description of your reality and his being miles apart is exactly right. It is very hard to see things rationally when one is distressed, but I think you are actually doing a good job of it at this point. Best wishes and keep posting!
Maria

I was down with my mother as my 3 kids have gone to canada with my sister and my oldest son is in greese till thursday.I want to do as little damage as possible and am trying to get as much help as I can in making the right choices and causing as little trouble for my husband for when he get better as this is not a normal situation .i try to be as rational as possible I am so hurt and then feel guilt as I am not the one going through this and I think I must be stronge as I am in a much easies space but i have been really upset,emotional,unconsoable etc while trying to be rational and not make mistakes .I have never been on a site for help before ,I have not talked about my personal life and am very positive ,happy,frendly but do not like to talk about things that are personal as I feel it is disloyal and not for me to say ,but I am in a disprate situation now and am trying to be careful and think I have been ok not great but not too bad .I was afraid as I put my name on this site and it stoped me saying too much but i think anyone who is on here is only on for the right reasons and I really need any advise or help I can get from people who I know really want to help and they maybe have more experience,insight,and understanding then I have.I am so sorry that I am here with not an physical problem but the emotinal side of things and feel I should be on another site for thsi but I think you have all gone through what my husband has gone through and I need to have your views,thoughts,advice.
thank you for your help
seana

Seana,
I want you to breathe a little bit now and then and relax. If you are a religious person, do like my mother did, and say to yourself, let go, let God. If you are not especially religious (or even if you are), the Buddhist meditation and breathing techniques will help you to quiet your thoughts and think more clearly. When my husband was first diagnosed, my brain just started racing, and I called my brother-in-law who is a great practitioner of mediation. He sent me a book, and said to do the breathing exercises, following my breathe as it goes in and out of the body. I will look up the book's title if you like!
Have to do some chores now but will check back later. You are not alone in this struggle.
Maria

From reading your posts, it certainly sounds like a corticosteroid effect. Excitability and not sleeping are regularly reported. For most patients it is mild and presents with a sense of well being. Unfortunately, your husband (or you, as the one bearing the brunt of it) seems to be one of the unlucky ones who has progressed to irritability/paranoia and downright nastiness.

However there may be other considerations � When I first read your post I wondered if �A� might have something else also affecting him.

Might �A� also be reacting to the shock and stress of fighting a life threatening disease?

In my early posts I described my Alex as being a tantrum throwing 2 year old and myself as being his jailor/tormentor. He said later that he knew that he was saying and doing hurtful things but could not stop himself. I believe this was his reaction to the pain, shock and terror of what he was experiencing (as well as the pain medications, chemotherapies etc).

I also think he was trying to protect both of us in some strange way by trying to stop me from seeing him at his worst. When he was with me, he couldn't pretend he didn't have cancer and my presence forced him to consider the reality (plus I was a bloody great bully). Alex didn't want anyone to see him so vulnerable. He rarely allowed any of his friends to visit him either and deliberately made light of the seriousness of his condition when he did see them.

The insight that Alex shared afterwards(don't you just love a man who shares!) was that he resented me coming in being all positive and proactive. He felt it was his job to be the protector and provider and he felt he had failed. So when I bounced into hospital and "fussed" over him (his perception not mine), it drove him crazy which caused him to lash out at me. Think about the kid in the playgound who falls and scrapes his knee, starts to cry and then hits the kid closest to him just because he is there? . Now I didn't understand it at the time and fought back telling him that no matter how sick he was he had no right to be nasty. Unfortunately, this was not my finest hour.

Your way of doing things - treading softly and trying not to "fuss" and going with the flow, will help you get through this.

For yourself, remember this. It is not personal. No matter how awful it feels and how personal the attacks are, it is not personal. He is hurting and scared (you know that) and wants to lash out at the other kid in the playground.

Cry your tears here on this forum, find a counsellor, keep a journal, consider anti-depressants. All these things are used by us caregivers to cope . You are normal and your fear, hurt and guilt happen to all of us from time to time. But it does get better.

When you get the other side, your husband will acknowledge your support and if he doesn't - slap him and remind him that you are a goddess!!

Karen
PS for the record, Alex is back to his old considerate self and it started happening the day they told him he had no evidence of disease (NED) at 3 months post treatment.

Seana, you really are doing a good job and you've been taking care of so many things, it's certainly understandable that you could get stressed. You emotions are as important as your health and can affect each other so you do need to try and relax.
As Maria notes, the Buddhist meditations and breathing are a great help. My son and I both did them while he was surviving and we still do them even now. You could start with taking 10 slow deep breaths, while thinking only of how the breaths are going in and going out. You might find that other worrisome thoughts come into your head and when this happens, just tell them to cut the "chatter" - then start over with the deep breaths. (Sometimes when I can't sleep I have to start over several times!) As a caregiver, you are a very important part of your husband's getting through everything he has to deal with. You need to take care of yourself so that you can have the physical and emotional strength for the tough caregiving job you are doing for your husband.
I think that CherylD has good advice for you when she says:
<<Ultimately you've done all you can - I do understand it may be the drugs or him trying to deal with the after effects, and reality, but what he's doing is still not right. Do not abandon him, but you have children to worry about.. Tell him as much, tell him you're there for him, then back off and focus on you. >>
A long time ago, when my son was being "difficult" during his recovery, a very wise lady on this forum told me to put my "nurse from Hell hat" on and tell him what he needed to do. So I did and it worked just fine. I think the change my son saw in me that day is what did the trick. I hereby pass on my "nurse from Hell hat" to you in case you want to use it.

You are doing the right thing. Just leave him. He may come to the realization that he truly needs you and come back, but perhaps he won't. It is true that drugs and steroids can cause this and there are a few people who's partners have gone through this - cm morris on here recounted her husband's behavior and it sounded similar. He was terminal at the time and one of the stages of grieving is anger but I believe at some point towards the end he did com around. It's hard to tell if it's drugs or the emotional trauma, laying name and anger at th world for what's happened, but it sounds to me like both at work here. Regardless as long as he knows you are there for him that's all you can do. Take time for you and yor children now and leave him be. Hugs

klo,CHERYLD,christineB,aNNE-MARIE,mARIA,eRIES,iAM007

I hope I have not forgot any of you,reading your replys and even thinking of them now makes me cry,trying to stay calm and rational which I think under normal cercumstances I am I now find myself having to fight to stay together and a kind word or thinking of my husband and what he is and will go through hurts.I found a web page "American Cancer socity" where they were talking about side effects of Dex ,and lots of the people were talking ablot the change in personility,anger,etc .Befor "A" took this drug I was the best in the world and we were fine ,tow days into taking it he started to act a little off and then he exploided one morning and wanted a divorse I was hopeless etc and the anger etc,I talked our GP as I have told you and he said he was as high as a kite and spoke to the team at the hospital .IT went from bad to awful and now I am waiting till he comes back to earth.My GP is going in for tests (for himself) tomorrow so I will not phone him .I will meet with "A" team tomorrow and go over again how these drugs have effected him and check that they are bringing him down slowly .I have seen my Father and my Mother-in-lay lossing it in hospital with the meds they put them on even antibiotics when you are old can effect your mental state and only because "A" pushed me away and told me not to visit I was so upset and took it personaly ,If I had been rational I would have been in constant contact with the hospital ,checking his drugs daily and this could all have been sorted earlier but I became Parilized in fear .I am back to myself now and hope I do not mess up again .I will do the breathing ,I am a RC and have a brother a priest (an only brother who is the best in the world and advising me well)I have found a consellor and am meeting her again on Thursday,I am very lucky I have great support and a really close family.Thank you all for your help.I will let you know how things are going and hope soon that all will have settled down and that I am asking simple questions like " best foods to settle a dodgy stomach".I hope my experence will help someone else and that the minute they see their husband acting mad they go stright to the doctors and then keep on top of things and watch everything that their husband is taking and keep talking to the doctors("A's" thought he was not on dex for past 14days and he is on 4m a day!).
seana

Hi, Seana
glad that you have your dear brother to help and consul you. I sent you a PM (private message) - click the flashing email icon by MY STUFF near the top of the screen.
Maria

Seanna - It's good you are getting some help and support. You make a very good point at the end of your post about keeping on top of things and watching everything that your husband is taking. At one point in my son's treatment he was on so many different drugs and he kept telling he was keeping up with taking the meds but when I watched him a little more closely, he would sleep thru some of the meds or take too much or miss them. I had to make up a spreadsheet with all the meds and how often and how much he was supposed to take. I made two copies, one stuck on his refrigerator and told him he had to check off as he took his meds and note how much. I also put the doctors names and phone numbers and names of the office nurses, too - for whenever I called. It's a good idea to keep a record of everything that goes in to his stomach and what comes out, too. Some meds can cause constipation. If you read the prescription bottles you might see what side effects there are so that you can ask the doctor about if necessary. Take care of yourself, too and check back here to let us know what's happening.

Thank you Maria for the PM ,I tryed to reply to this but when I put in your name or member number it would not accept .How do you send a PM.I went to the Hospital and the Reg said "A" was off the dex now and they were discharging him today.
I went to his ward and spoke to nurse and she said they expected him to leave once doctors did the rounds.Meet "A" at the lift and told him doc. had said been discharged and could I give him a lift back home ,he cant talk much but said no and didnot want to talk and left me and went down stairs.Phoned hospital and they told me he is on way home so if he is comming back he should be here in 10 minutes.Ann-marie in the past with my family we have been so careful with the meds but because andy wount let me in ,and the state I was in I just accepted that I could do nothing.I think I am back to myself now so hopefully will be on top of things as much as i can.
seana