HI Seana

You mention your concern with your husbands behaviour and just wanted to let you know it is not unusual. It is very difficult but try not to take it personally.

My early posts were often about my Alex's behaviour and I described him as "a tantrum throwing 2 year old". Alex is the most gentle and balanced human being I know and his normal way of dealing with conflict is to negotiate his way out of it, so when the "tantrums" started, I was taken completely by surprise.

We had some quite nasty fights during his treatment. The fights Alex would pick would be quite unpredictable at times. I remember one day he accused me of choosing the wrong lane to drive in and when I reminded him that we were turning left in 200metres which was why I had moved into the left lane, his response was that I should have stayed in the right lane (on a 3 lane road) because it moved faster. Huh ???

I learned that besides the pain, fear and feeling of impotence which was causing a lot of his behaviour, there appeared to be an actual physiological reaction to the chemotherapy which also caused confusion and memory loss which led to frustration and temper outbursts.

Months later, whilst speaking with my father, I discovered he was experiencing the same thing with my mother (she was undergoing chemo and radiation for breast and renal cancer).

It eventually went away but not immediately. I can't remember when the tantrums stopped but think it was pretty much as soon as treatment finished. The confusion and odd conversations including forgetfulness went on for months although it diminished with time.

My old Alex is back now and I can't remember how long since we fought.

Hang in there Seana, it gets better with time.

I completely relate with what Karen said. Back when Vince came down with strep the night before his second chemo, we were faced with a choice. Call the med onc, report the infection (as instructed) or don't call, show up, then report it (how my husband was leaning). I pointed out that the real choices were:

1. Don't call the med onc, drive 2 hours each way, show up in the infusion waiting room, possible infect other folks on chemo with strep, with the strong possibility that we'd be sent back home without treatment

or

2. Get a quick test at a local clinic, call the med onc if it was positive, follow his instructions, thereby keeping Vince and other patients safe.

Hubby's rather perterbed response was, well if you put it that way, fine, let's get him tested and call the med onc. Even at the time, I remember thinking, yes he's pissed, and it sound like it's at me, but I know it's at the situation. He tested positive, med onc was glad how we handled it. We have since laughed about his rather irrational reaction....gotta keep the humor in this battle every chance you can.

When his frustration comes out, I remind myself that as tough as it is for me to watch, he's the one pysically going through this, a task I cannot even imagine. I think part of our job as caregivers job is to keep our heads, not take it personally when they get overwhelmed and always keep their return to good health as goal #1.

I have a friend who was going through cancer, thought his young wife would be better off if she "cut bait" and went on without him. Once she figured out he was thinking this way, she made it clear he was plan "A", "B", "C", etc her her life, that she was not going anywhere. You never know what they are thinking with all they are going through.

One more experience, on my husband's first chemo, they loaded him up with a ton of Benadryl before the Taxol, then came to talk about some pretty important stuff about 15 minutes later. I could look at his red-ringed, indpendently focusing eyes and know that none of it was sinking in. I think it's so vitally important that they have an advocate with them as much as possible while in the hospital, even if it's just a quite person in the corner. Take care Seana, you've got a heavy load with the responsibility of your husband and children, give yourself and him a break...hugs, Ana

thank you all,when they put A on the steriod DAX....(CANT FIND MY NOTE BOOK WITH NAME)about 10 days before he started treatment he was sleeping 3hours a night,full of energy ,I jocked to my family that if he was a carpenter i could wake up and find i had a new kitchen,our family doctor is a friend and when A started to become unreasonable i asked did the strodides have this side effectand then found on the internet from others that they could make you angry ,aggressive etc and our doctor noticed that A was really not himself and spoke to his team at the hospital.A went really wild one morning told me i was f... hopless,and lots more and he wanted a divorce.I was in real shock especially as the first mounth we were so close and I was "the best wife",I had checked so much on the internet and found lots of usefull info and felt we were somewhat prepaired.A at this time was focusing on work and other projects he never had time for I think it was his way of dealing with the C ,however he was also meeting the speech th.,and all the rest of the team and taking on board all there advice and doing his jaw exercize .IF I questioned anything he would exploid and them i was told i would have to go for councling or he was leaving (I forgot to mention 2 days into the treatment he left for 2 nights and only because i begged him to com back all done by email as he would not talk on phone did he come back)now A is not talking to me again and he wants the number or reciepts from councilor to prove i am going.I sent the two boys over to hospital last night to wathch the football and my son said he was in fine form and he is comming home later today,I have emailed and texted and may have been smart but i have said i am there for him and will do all i can but i cannot try to change him and i am only responsible for my behaviour.I have spoken to my family who are calm and wise and they have told me to play along and it will pass I will now forget about the hurt and ask for forgiveness .I am sorry that I fell into the trap of feeling I had to stand up for myself this is not the time ,things keep changing and i will try to learn and be better.we are a very lucky family and always have been and A has a great attitude to this and we will get through this ,we have no choice anyway.
seana

Hon there's a difference between being a good wife and a doormat - people do tend to get angry at the world when faced with this as it's scary and no one wants to face heir own mortality - but it sounds to me like he's the one who needs counseling. Going to a counselor isn't a bad thing for yourself either you likely need someone to talk to to put this all in perspective. It's very possibly his medication as well bu it's not fair to you to be poorly treated so don't blame yourself. Hugs!

[quote=Cheryld]Hon there's a difference between being a good wife and a doormat - people do tend to get angry at the world when faced with this as it's scary and no one wants to face heir own mortality - but it sounds to me like he's the one who needs counseling. Going to a counselor isn't a bad thing for yourself either you likely need someone to talk to to put this all in perspective. It's very possibly his medication as well bu it's not fair to you to be poorly treated so don't blame yourself. Hugs! [/quote]

What she said.

Thank you,A is home but not speaking to me I have offered to help in any way I can,I am the lucky one when I read the different sections and see all that you have and are going through I just feel now very sad that it has to be this way to waste time when it is a gift over crap hopefully things will change.I will go tomorrow to the hospital if A lets me and find out exactly A stage of C and ask again about HPV,SURGERY WAS NEVER AN OPTION as A is on Warfren ,but just yesterday I was reading about the Da Vinci robotic machine which they have used for BOT CANCER AND IT TAKES ONE HOUR FOR SURGERY ,they dont have to break the jaw and the wound heals naturally,the doctor was neil Tolley a consultant H and N surgen in london,in the artical they said it is gaining poperilarty in the US have any of you heard of this,I did see a program on TV on this machine but the operation was not for BOT however I did ask my GP to look into ,but at that stage we were a week away from starting treatment .If I am now in the wrong section and should be in caregiver do I just move over I dont want to take up someone eles space .

The Da Vinci robot has been discussed several times here. If you want to check out those posts, type Da Vinci into the search field and see what turns up.

Dont worry about being in the wrong place. While I do try to keep posts where they belong, other things can be much more important. Continuing on with your thread is never wrong

Best wishes to A with a speedy recovery!!!! Hope the moods stabilize too. Just remember, its not you that they are upset with.

Hi Seana,
It is normal and it does hurt VERY much. I can remember getting in the shower and crying in there so I was in private. Our guys are angry in the beginning, but Kevin soon got past it and we became a team. I pray this happens for the 2 of you as well. We had a feeding tube and the Cistplatin. I'm not sure where the confusion was there, but very glad it's in because it will most likely be needed.
Our job as the caregiver is a very difficuly one. We have to balance the care of the home, bills, food, children, our spouses...and somehow take care of ourselves too. It's VERY hard, but we are here to help you get through it. Vent here all you want. We've been there.
Please stay in touch.
Blessings,
Kathy

A left on saturday morning and said I could communicate wit him by email befor 5pm and that he would be back on saturday if I did as he asked.He was very very angry on friday night and I could see from his eyes that he was not well at all and said nothing .I slept in another room and went i got up found the message,I text him and said I would respect his decision and wanted to help and that the kids were fine(which TG they are as they think he is out are in hospital)The problem is he insisted I go to a councilor which i told him i have then he wanted there number and i said no that this was between me and the councilor ,then he wanted an invoice and then one which has been backdated and now it is the name and address of the concilor nad if i dont give him this he will not come back .I have said i would give an invoice as this is what i agreed to and in the last corrospondence said he could call or doctor if he wanted(as he is a friend and would his given me the name of C)I have spoken to our doctor who knowes that A is very high and has said that i do not need counciling that i am mentaly 100%.btu the idea of the doctors now putting him on more meds and messing him up more I really hate as both myself and my husband have never taken anything other then tablets for a headace .I do not take drugs however i smoke and drink wine ,,I have spoken to my family and they know A is not well and has abad temper and even when he is ok is extremly controlling.I have spoken to my sister and told her more ,she has been very good and advised that i keep telling him that i want to help that i am there for him that i love him and that we can deal with any of there problems when he i better.am i wrong I just hate the control he has over me and feel he is being unreasonable.I keep saying we are all reponsible for our own actions and that if he decides that he cannot come home there is nothing i can do if he does not accept the invoice.I know i am a good person like he is ,I kow i am level headed 90% of the time .I dont lose my temoer i dont shout ,I do not bring up past hurts fallings again , I am average .when my father was sick we had him for 2 years with lots of help and support from my family,When A mum was sick I from my fathers hospital experence and meds ,set up a diary of her meds ,memory etc as they siad she had a number of strocks and would never function again,we took her out of the hospital and 6 months later she was fine and lived on her own for 2 years befor she died .MY sister cannot understand how I have not stud up for myself as she said i am strong which I am .sorry i am going on to much,if i could turn back the clock cut out the hurt i would be a better person but a bit of me now is dead ,and i am the one going on when A is going through shit and now needs me the most. I am sorry..please excuse the spellings
seanasm

going to bed sorry for going on i have my family and my family GP who are giving me great advice and i know A is not well both the worst thing he has to go through now and them how he feels with us ,i am ok and know it is not personal and know in a few weeks /months things will have moved on and not to worry and try and keep cool and lodigical and not try and reason with him now all these things i have to keep saying to myself and i have the easy part he is going through hell and has noone there for him ,I so wish it could be different,but i am ok ,i am lucky to have family a great doctor who is a family friend who knows me well and is there all the time and no financial worries ,i am very lucky and i am sorry for going on about silly things ,I know now is not the time and i must forget about rubbish and act wike omeone who is totialy focused and notdo anything that will take away from A treatment.