Hey Guys so glad this post was started. As a caregiver to my sister during treatment things were good. We were talking and getting closer. Now a month and a half after treatment we have both become bitter.
Her for the toll that this disease has taken on her life mentally, physically, financially. Me for the toll it has taken on my family, my finances and just life in general. Both of our attitudes have changed, We actually had a big fight on my birthday and haven't said much to each other in a week and we live next door to one another.
It frustrates me that she thinks she is the only one that has been battling this disease. Yes she has suffered the physical and mental pain of treatment and had to stare death in the face. I just want to yell out sometimes that I looked at death also when I saw her that first day in ICU and you know what it scared me to death also...I am the young sister I am not suppose to see this stuff..
Sorry for rambeling but if you say these things to people they look at me like I am nuts for complaining with all that she has gone through how can I complain. I just feel like i can't tell anyone my true feelings.
Well she went for a little vacation this week which i hope lifts her spirits..I just really really really hate how much my sister has changed.... Thanks for listening!

Susan - you it the nail on the head! You are not nuts! Anytime a change occurs, it can be so stressful even if it's a good change that happens. There were times when I felt resentful, too, because of all the change that occurred in my son's cancer, mentally, physically, financially to me as well as to my son. On top of that I felt guilty for even stressing over my own changes when he was going through so much himself! However, for me, four years later, I can say that it does get ever so much better - I can enjoy the "now" so much more and the stresses I had previously have become "small stuff". Surely, your sister's vacation will be beneficial to her, and to you, too! Let us know how the vacation went.

I think that some of my resentment stems from the fact that 'he' is the center of 'our' life now. 'I' don't exist for now.
My birthday was last week. He was the last one to even say happy birthday to me. No gift, no card, no hugs first thing in the morning... none of the things he knows I love. Just a barely recognized event, hardly worth mentioning it seemed.
I live each day wondering how i can make his a little brighter.

We have a little vacation scheduled over Christmas. I hope he will make the trip okay. We're going to New Mexico, it's just over 800 miles one way.
He'll be three weeks out of radiation on his pelvic bone, and we will of course alter any plans based on new CT scan results coming up next week. I just hope that the new pains in his hip doesn't prevent him from taking the road trip.

Robin ignoring my birthday and even going so far as to spoil it altogether,was the straw that broke my back.Seems silly now......

Thanks to all of you who have posted here. It's really helpful.

Before I was diagnosed with SCC in Oct of this year, my life was overwhelmed with caring for others. My mother was diagnosed with brain cancer in June. My step-daughter needs a lot of special care. I was just overwhelmed with caring for, and thinking about, others. Now I'm trying to spend each day focusing on What Do I Need?

It's been, uh, interesting going from being a caregiver (for my mother's brain cancer) to a cancer patient myself.

I still feel a little guilty for letting go of some of the responsibilities I'm "supposed" to take on - helping with my mother, etc. But I remember a conversation with my sweetie after I was diagnosed with cancer, when I said "I need permission to just let go of responsibility for my parents' household and what happens there." Her response was "The universe just gave you permission."

To some of those caregivers out there, you have a harder process in front of you. You may not have an obvious "excuse" such as your own cancer diagnosis, but you have just as much permission to do what you need to do to take care of yourself, to follow your own path.

It sounds reasonable and like good advice as I type, but I also sit here feeling guilty even now, worried that family or friends might think that I'm selfish for doing what I need to do for my own life. That someone close to me will be mad at me forever. But I'm trying, each day, to make different decisions than I used to make, to think about what I need, and to remember that I'm not responsible for others' feelings. My life will be better if I put myself first and even if I feel bad or afraid I might upset someone, I need to live my life in a way that makes sense for me - and deal with those feelings and fears about others' reactions.

Hope that helps. Thanks for listening!

Rahel

a birthday does seem trivial in the grand scheme of things... but it's the little rays of light that get us through the darkness day by day

I hear you on the birthdays. No cake no card no happy birthday for me this year from my family either except my husband. All put aside because of my sisters sickness. It makes you feel terrible so I feel your pain.
My husbands dr just called and wants to see him again. High white blood cell count. Oh great!! Something else to battle now.

I am wondering today... how does someone depressed help someone that is even more depressed?
Seriously? I am already on the highest dose of Effexor that is allowed. And all I want to do is sleep and wake up when its over.
He's very down now due to the new lesion in his lung and the docs decision to wait for a new pet next month before taking any action. Yesterday he was so angry I just let him brood for a few hours.
He worries terribly about his kids one moment, then feels they hate him, then feels this cancer is their fault because of something they told him they prayed for.
They said they asked God to find a way to make Matt have no where to turn to but to Him. Of course Matt now said, thanks a fking lot kids. Mission accomplished.
Its hard not to get sucked down into that darkness.
Yet if I'm happy and in a good mood, I feel guilty because how can I be happy when he's going through this?
Seems a never ending battle with no winning side to it.

CM - I'm so sorry for what you and Matt are having to go through - It is so hard to fight depression and try to help someone else also going through such a difficult time. Try not to feel guilty for the little rays of light that come by to help you feel better. As caregivers, we all need those moments to help ourselves be stronger in order to get through with the caregiving. There were times when I wondered, too - how could I keep from getting "sucked down into the darkness"? I wanted so much to see some little sign that my son's depression might be lifting. Trying to get a depressed person from sad to happy cannot be done all at once. It is only done in very small steps. I would ask my son "On a scale of 1-10, can you tell me how you are feeling?" If he said "4", I would ask if he could manage to try to get to a 5 or even 4.5. Just trying to get himself to one little notch up seemed to be a little easier that getting himself out of the deep hole he was in. I would find myself searching for any small happy moment that I could share with him like something sweet his daughter had said or done. And it helped me, too. You are right about those "little rays of light" - and when they come, hang on to them for as long as you can. I do hope that more of them will come your way for you and Matt.

Today I decided when I woke that I would not let his negatives bring me down, although I could already hear him awake and cussing about every little thing in the living room as he talks to himself.
I figured it is a good day to go shopping with my son. I asked M if he wanted to come along so he could get out of he house. He asked if we would be going by a sporting good store. I reply, why yes, as the store I was headed to was one exit beyond the newest Academy outdoor store here. He says good, I need a firearm to start taking out people. WTF? I'm thinking. So, I said nothing. Just got my son and I ready and left. He calls half an hour later, saying "thanks for telling me you were leaving" (although I sat right across from him to put on my shoes, and get my keys out of my purse) Fast forward after taking FOREVER to check out of the store, I get home and he has locked every available entry to our house, knowing I don't have keys cuz my son takes them to school..(yes, I should make a copy, and will today)... He even locked the door from the garage because I have a door opener.
He said the doors were rattling. Never have in the three months we've lived here, but they do now.
Anyway... he's now dressed and getting ready to leave. I asked did he need money, as he always runs out before his ssdi check comes... he says he'll just use my account and spend whatever he fing needs.
We argue a few...
He says I'm too small minded to understand anything he is going through, and everything is coming together now... soon as he starts killing people everything will be okay...
I should call someone, but who?
He is smart. he is cunning... he would fool them into thinking he never said such...
I HATE THIS