I miss having a "man of the house", someone to schedule the car maintenance, play in the garage, build me things. I have this shell of a husband and I don't know what to do. I miss intimacy. I miss feeling like I have a strong man to turn to when times are tough. I feel like I am alone already. We have these rare and brief moments where we reconnect and it's like OH MY GOD I'VE MISSED YOU!!! We'll cry together, share some feelings. But the next day it is inevitably two ghosts walking past each other day to day....

Welcome to my world...I'm upstairs while he stays downstairs. He isn't taking care of himself. And "I" have given up. I can't "B" any more. He isn't drinking his Boosts or eating all day. He drinks his friggin beer and continues to smoke cigarettes all day long. I can't do it anymore.

One word, Suez: Al-Anon.

CM, my heart just goes out to you and Matt. I just re-read your previous posts and it sounds like Matt is tired of the recurrences and fighting this disease. While he is dealing with the prospect of dying, you are grieving the life that you had together prior to this insidious disease. While the "old" life may not return, a new life can begin... and your relationship is and will continue to grow stronger as you fight this battle together. Do you think that the two of you could take vacation or a mini-vacation and do something that is enjoyable to you both.... just some activity to serve as a distraction to dealing with cancer could be very helpful.

Anyway, I'll keep you both in my prayers.

Big hug to ya from NC.

Dodie

CM- So sorry you are dealing with this. I agree with Penners. My husband and I would sometimes take a walk, albeit a very short one. It helped to clear our heads and remember why we were together in the first place. It helped me to take a small step out of caretaker mode and see the truly brave, amazingly strong, man that he was.

I always did and always will maintain that Robins cancer destroyed two lives,not just his.During his illness and treatment, it took my husband away and replaced him with a helpless angry resentful bitter man who had no room in his life for anyone but himself and his disease.It took away my friend,my lover and my provider.It took his life and mine,and it takes time to come to terms with all of this.One way of getting through,is to talk to other women in the same boat.Get it all off your chest,there are plenty of us here to listen and advise.

I'm on the other side of this issue, sort of. I'm the one with the cancer. In my case my prognosis is actually pretty good. It's been 7 months since the end of my primary treatments (7 weeks of radiation, 3 chemo sessions) which nearly killed me. No more than 7 weeks ago I had the results of a limited neck dissection surgery which found no cancer at all in my neck, so for now, I'm in the clear and in "clinical remission".

You would think I would be ecstatic, doing cartwheels of joy. But I spent a large percentage of the last 7 months mentally preparing myself for a slow and painful death; I was unable to even hope for the "good" result I've had. Somewhere between the physical "trip" I've been through, possible PTSD, and the fact that during my trip I had to abandon my work in environmental consulting and move from North America to London England (where my wife has professional work), where I have few prospects for work and almost no friends, I'm having some real trouble.

It's as if a big "reset button" has been pressed in my mind. My interests are all gone. My sense of optimism is trashed. I struggle to get out of bed in the morning, literally.

Things with my wife are strained. To be fair, she's been through hell this year, and has done a LOT to try to ensure that we have an income and a home (which is how we've ended up in London). I am not complaining in that regard. But the reality is, we're having to re-approach our relationship from scratch, and we've both changed a lot. And my tendency for negativity and gloom are a big problem. Also, money is tight, living on one income in this expensive place.

About ten years ago I had a bout with depression, and ultimately the answer was to make a major change in my life, and get some exercise. I'm trying that, but it's hard to force the exercise.

I find London expensive, grubby, flat, unfriendly, unwieldily and low on opportunity. I used to be very handy, much more "capable" in general than I am now. I'm a hollow shell of my former self. It's as if most of my interests have been burned out of me by their triviality relative to looming death by cancer, and even now, have not returned or been replaced by new ones.

Give it time. Yes. This is about all I can do. If I had a job, and a few friends here, I would probably feel quite a bit better. I think that for me, the combination of coming out the back end of this "trip", combined with being in a strange foreign land (and not foreign in any particularly "good" ways) is a bad combination. Perhaps I'm still "healing" from my ordeal. After all, it's only been a handful of weeks since my unexpected "good" news.

Why can't I see this as an opportunity?

I hate feeling this way. It's miserable. Way more difficult than I would have imagined. And this while I'm basically "ok"! Sure, I have residual side effects, dry mouth, poor sleep, dodgy digestion.....but relative to so many of you on this site those are trivial. For all I know I might feel this way being "trapped" in a strange old English city without a job or friends, regardless of having had cancer (if I dare speak of it in the past tense).

It's pretty clear to me that if I'm going to be here, I need to find a way to get active and meet some people. And I am working on this. If I was still in Vancouver I think it would be much easier, but this place is just that much different and strange to put me at a strong disadvantage.

I'm not sure what point I have to make here, other than to tell my own story and express the fact that despite being in relatively good physical shape and having had about as good news as possible for a person with cancer, I'm still struggling to get my feet back under me. I hate feeling this way, and I feel guilty that I feel this way (which of course doesn't help).

I have support, but with that support comes pressure to do better. This is hard, but it's nothing like what I went through in May of this year. All odds suggest I'll make it through this......but the question is, what will I make it through *to*.

Only time will tell. And all I can do is move forward from where I am, right?

Right!

Onward through the fog!

-Seth

Thats an extremely insightful post Seth.The great thing about it is your awareness and honesty about how you feel.For most of us wives thats all we needed.An honest explanation,but the communication button seems permanantly switched to off in most cases i have encountered.Moving to a place like London must be unbelievably stressful,having been born and lived their till i was 17 i know it to be a cold lonely impersonal place full of people with their own lives to live.There are much nicer and cheaper places to live in the UK within easy commute of London where you might have more of a chance of easing back into life after cancer.

We have a saying here on OCF "the new norm" and i guess you are trying to find yours.Keep communicating Seth and time will bring its own peace eventually.

Seth, you've gone through such huge changes, so many that your psyche must be just reeling from it all. I've seen how hard it's been for Gordon to adjust to the "new normal" (and quite frankly, he struggles with it daily) and if anything else were added to his situation, like a big move, change in employment status, etc. I think he would just implode. Depression has been a big issue for him, and I can't help but wonder if this is what's going on for you. Depression can be like a snake eating its own tail, making it pretty hard to get the motivation to get out and do anything. Anti-depressants have helped Gordon to some degree - if you have a Dr. in London, might it be useful to ask about this? Sometimes we need a bit of help to climb out of the hole.
Anne (who also lives in Vancouver - we probably passed each other in the BCCA halls)

Suez,
If you haven't read "Codependent No More", by Melody Beattie, I strongly recommend it. The only person you can save is yourself, and you need to start now. Al-Anon is a really good suggestion too. I am working on changing my "caretaking" behaviour every day now. So different from "caregiving". Good luck. Anne