I'm quite frustrated with the results of my treatment and I guess I just need a reality check.

I'm on my second recurrence - in October we learned that the cancer had metastasized into my lungs on both sides, with surgery and radiation not being an option. I went on Cisplatin, Erbitux, and 5-FU. I've done 3 cycles of that and on Monday had a high contrast CT scan to see how things were looking (I also had one just prior to starting treatment about two months ago).

The scan showed that most of my tumor and 'activity' in the lungs was 'stable', with a couple of the tumors showing a very slight reduction in size. The doctor was positive and said this is good. He said it was about as good as we could hope for.

I understand it's good in a relative sense. I understand it's good because with the cancer in both lungs it's positive just to keep it from spreading. But I guess I had set my sights higher. I had hoped to see significant reduction or elimination of the tumors after all this chemo. I'm looking at the scans and I'm thinking, all this chemo, and these results are as good as it gets?? I suppose the reality of my situation is sinking in. I'm certainly not giving up, but I find myself quite frustrated that we've (as the doctor says) "thrown everything we can at it" and all I can get is basically to 'stabilize' it. This is one tough opponent we're facing I guess and once again I think I underestimated it.

So the doctor gave me a choice, saying there was no right or wrong answer. I could go off chemo completely. Or, I could go off the Cisplatin and 5-FU and just do Erbitux for a few months. Or, the most aggressive approach would be another two rounds of all three, and then drop back to just Erbitux. He said he insists that I take a break after two more cycles of all three drugs.

I chose to do the most aggressive, so we're doing two more rounds of all three and then I'll go on just Erbitux. The doc says it's within possibility that of the three drugs, the Erbitux could possibly be the one producing the so-called 'results' I'm getting. And certainly if Erbitux alone would provide the same results, obviously it's much easier to take longer term than the full chemo regimen.

I went into this last round of treatment so positive, with the attitude that I'm going to kick this thing's butt once and for all. Now I'm looking at these scans that show barely any progress at all and I'm wondering how I can achieve 'kicking it's butt' if I'm giving it everything I have in treatment and this is as good a result as I can get. Wow.

I've been adamant that western modern medicine was the only way for me. Now I'm wondering if I have to open my mind up to alternative or other treatment options if this is the best I can do with the 'traditional' approach. I don't want to or plan to abandon the plan I discussed with the doc, but I'm still concerned that my progress is not adequate. Am I being irrational? Crazy talk?

Just venting I guess.....thanks for letting me do that. I'm only 41 and I'm bound and determined to beat this thing one way or another. This is just the first time in my journey that I'm really starting to question whether I'm winning the battle.

Steve