Patty,
this is my first message on the board. I am sorry to hear of your family's situation.

In September I was diagnosed with squamous cell cancer on the left side of my tongue. I had surgery ~ 2 weeks later to remove 1/2 my tongue & lymph nodes on the left side of my neck. The surgeon cut through my chin & jawbone for better access. I had a trach tube for 1 week + while in the hospital.

My situation was not as severe as your father-in-law's, but I found that the chin & jaw cut was not that much of a bother - the whole cancer dx & surgery is a BIG deal to deal with, but pain medications help. The scarring is a minor issue compared with fighting the cancer.

The trach didn't scare me as much as I thought - for the first few days I was so groggy from the surgery & meds that I didn't notice it. However, when sucretions build help I coughed and had some trouble. Hopefully there is a respiratory team at the hospital that can help teach about the trach, and help with suctioning. I found that the respiratory specialists were very reassuring (nurses were helpful, some more familiar with trachs than others, but the resp team were specialists).

With 1/2 a tongue gone I have trouble swallowing & talking. I didn't even have water to drink for 11 days. I had a feeding tube through my nose for nutrition and found that not as bad as I thought. My appetite was gone so it was easier in a way.

While the complete loss of tongue must be scary, I'm guessing that with the fast rate of cancer growth, that even without surgery swallowing will become difficult.

For coping, I am taking anti-anxiety/anti-depressants which help me to focus on the good things I enjoy. I try to slow down and appreciate things around me. I can walk, I can type, I can spend time with my kids, I enjoy obseving nature around me. None of us know what the future holds, so I try to treasure each day as a gift. And it is OK to cry, to feel sad, etc.

I feel for you. It is very hard on caregivers, friends and family who wish they could do something more.
michelle