My aunt just called as I was walking out the door to school with my kids. My dad went in for surgery today to have his titanium bar in his jaw removed. She was very upset and says she has very bad news and is sorry to tell me- the cancer is back with a vengence. My first reaction was I'm so glad it's cancer! I was relieved! I thought she was going to tell me he died on the table. After like six minutes it hit me like a ton of bricks- right on the head at 7am. My dad, who two months ago got a clean bill of health( I was on here typing away at how lucky he has been)- clean x rays, scans,tests, is now full of inoperable cancer all over the back of the throat. One tumor so big it is blocking his air ways. They removed the bar and had to put in a threychiotomy(spelling?). They had to put him out after he woke up in recovery to put the breathing tube back in because he could not breath.
The doctor said he could do chemo, but that it cannot be cured. Why do the chemo again then? I don't know how my dad is going to take this news when he wakes up. Minute by minute I feel worse and worse and can't stop crying and feeling so pissed off at this sh*t. He has fought so hard and this is what he gets. Now he gets to decide does he countinue to do treatments- for nothing- ok maybe a few more months of being sick- or does he wait everyday to die. That is a tough decision. A big thing for me is that I live in California and he is living in Georgia with his sister, and I have two brothers(the spitting images of my dad- 21 and 25) in West Palm Beach Fla. a hop skip and a jump from him, and they haven't been to see him(or call) through all of this-the older one did once eight months ago. F them for not being there. My dad is just sitting there sick with my aunt. I am going to go in a few days, and have gone back and forth, and I feel like I haven't been there enough.

I don't know what to do. Look for alternative stuff, or new treatments, more doctors? The wind was blown out of my sails. I want to pull it together befor he wakes up, and I want an alternative for him. Asking him what he wants is the hardest thing. The thing is he will be the calm rational one- he always is. I don't want him to suffer or be in pain. I want him to live. I hate cancer.