I want to thank all of you that responded to helping me adjust to having the neck surgery. One of the things really bothering me and keeping me awake nights is that the surgeon mentioned I'd have to decide what to do if they find cancer on my voice box. I'm assuming that before you go in to surgery, they always want to know prior what your wishes are. This threw me for a real loop. I'm trying to be so positive. I'm still recovering from radiation, chemo and Iressa. I'm under the impression that I won't have cancer cells.

Anyway, about all I'm prepared for is to wake up from surgery less a few neck nodes and some biopsies that have been done. I don't think I can adjust to waking up and finding out that I'll never have my own voice again. It just seems so harsh to keep being dealt the bad cards in the deck.

My problem with grappling this is nobody has told me what to expect in the worse case scenario. I would certainly hope that after such a procedure, they would at least have someone counsel me so I wouldn't get too depressed about it. One of the reasons I'm so terrified is that for the past month, I've had a couple weeks of no voice at all. Being in my home alone and having the phone ring was a terrifying experience when I knew I couldn't answer it.

I keep wavering between "If they find cancer, it's best that we cut it all out and find a way to adjust" and "No way, there has to be other options, I should decline to have my voice box removed until I know more information and options"

Today, I was able to talk to my best friend long distance over the phone for the first time in weeks. It felt wonderful. In fact, I've finally been making progress in healing to the point of trying to find foods that I can eat and doing normal activities like house cleaning. It just seems terrible to think I'm going back into the pit just when I'm getting some of that good ol' "normal" back in my life.

Anyway, those that have had a neck dissection probably have had the same talk with their surgeon. I don't know what to decide yet and I'm trying to educate myself on what to do if the lab finds cancer on my voice box while I'm on the table being biopsied. I wonder if surgery right then and there is the truly BEST option. And if I agree to have my voice box removed what I am to expect as far as recovery mentally and physically from this.

I guess I want to know the pros and the cons going in. I'm still unsure what my decision on this is going to be, but I want to make the BEST decision. Yes, I know it's been so hard dealing these past few months with the cards I've been dealt. I want to still focus on being "cancer free" when the surgery comes up next month.

Thanks in advance for your input and advice. You guys are great.

Jen