The day my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, I was heart broken. Then he had a life saving surgery and I felt as though I was given the world. When I realized that nothing was certain, I became overtaken with stress and worry for weeks.

After talking to my doctor and eventually a councillor and a phsycopogist I had a moment of realization. "All of it is out of my hands", and this lifted my burden of carrying his pain. Because I can't, all I can do is be a positive force, a hug, a smile, a silly joke, a sholder or as I have been so tired lately, I am more of a sleeping companion. My part in his life is to live, to share and to just be there. My latest passion is a rap song I wrote for my students. It is funny and makes him laugh.

I know that accepting that the person you love the most will die maybe sooner than later is different than living it. I would have a very hard time accepting that the biggest and most important part of my life would be gone. When that day comes and only when that day comes would I ever be able to deal and one day find acceptance. Life can be so very hard, but I am rich because I love through it all.

Sophie

husband 61@diagnosis painter
6/9/13 Exophylic invasive SCC IV(ext.gingivobuccal) 3cm+ mandibular/lytic/erosion, jugular/node9mmshort-axis
17/9/13 Dx(moderately aggressive)
24/10/13 left madiblectomy, mod radical neck disct, leg flap, NGtube
2/01/14 (30 tx)rads 60gy
N2b (2nodes under jaw) (rem. in tiny nerves) (rem. 30 nodes)
Clear margin, close 2mm inner cheek
15/05/14 cellulitis
3/12/14 Chest CT Clear
27/02/15 cellulitis
8/6/15 cellulitis
10/6/15 Osteomyelitis