Hi Samantha

The worst moment for me was when the doctor called me. He called me late in the afternoon and said the news was bad, I had cancer and it had already spread to my lymph nodes. That night was pretty sleepless, lots of futile Googling and worry. He wanted to see me first thing the next morning. The next morning I was with him for a whole hour, talking about a wide range of things. It was very early in the diagnosis and he didn't know all the answers either. That was when I first learned that there is no one magic answer from the doctor.

Thats why the doctor wants to see you. She has to explain to you that whatever the condition is, it is an investigation she has to walk you through. Its not a purple line on a test kit. If it is cancer there is a lot of work to do investigating where it is, the staging, the best treatment and only then do you get any idea of prognosis.

I can tell you one thing for certain, without imaging and a biopsy she will not tell you you have cancer on Monday. I'm surprised you can make an ENT appointment without a referral, you can't here. But I wouldn't panic about that timeframe. If your doctor thinks its cancer you will need some imaging and a biopsy and by the time you get those done the 14th wont be that far away.

Don't beat yourself up about the smoking. We know it will kill us, but we tell ourselves there is plenty of time to quit. We do deals with ourselves. I'll quit by 30. Or by 40. Or by 50. And then suddenly we realise we've run out of time. Quitting smoking when you are facing an enormously stressful and uncertain time is very hard. But it is one of the few things you can control right now. Don't waste time looking back, its water under the bridge. Vent here all you like, there will usually be someone somewhere in the world online to respond to you.