Paul, stringing you along and then not seeing you? I can imagine how horribly frustrated and angry you must be! I'm sorry to hear this about Sloan-Kettering.

I had the meeting with my surgeon Friday and have been a visibly emotional wreck off and on since. I tried several times to post here and couldn't find words. This is not me! I'm the one who stays strong and reassures all those around me that I'll be fine. The bigger the crisis, the calmer and more rational I grow (at least outwardly). It's how I cope.

The surgeon (who I'll refer to as "doc") kept me waiting for two hours past my appointment time. When doc finally arrived and apologized for running late, I smiled and said, "It's okay. I had nowhere else to be today, and I assume you are late because you spend as much time with each patient as is needed." I was determined to remain calm and to get through the list of a dozen questions I'd prepared. It seems like a bad idea to tee off someone who's going to do surgery on you!

Disappointingly, doc acted dismissive and annoyed that I raised questions about a possible connection with my current cancer and a prior tumor on my parotid. Doc also made me feel rushed and interrupted me midsentence at times, anticipating [incorrectly] what I was trying to ask. They were again dismissive when I expressed my concerns about my infant immune system and finally ended up hurrying me out the door saying if I didn't go, I wouldn't have time to talk to the scheduler before they left. As it turned out, the scheduler was still there but someone with whom they needed to coordinate had already gone so I left feeling more frustated than ever in addition to being angry (and ravenously hungry from missing lunch). I was with the surgeon about 10 minutes at most.

I felt trapped and uncharacteristically powerless because I didn't want to lose any more precious time in getting treatment started. I DO have high confidence in this surgeon's surgical and medical expertise. But it was extremely disappointing to have such poor rapport. The surgeon didn't get my sense of humor and couldn't recognize sincere compliments - I was trying so hard to focus on the positive and overlook the bedside manner. I'm not generally lacking in people skills.

Afterwards, I was wracked with self-doubt about making the right decision. Should I seek a different surgeon, or even a different hospital at the expense of more time? I don't think so. If I questioned the surgeon's competence, certainly, but I don't. Lots of people don't get my dry and often warped sense of humor so I probably shouldn't hold that part against doc. I am, however, accustomed to being treated with more respect. Everyone has bad days, and I think doc was having one, but that does not excuse rudeness and lack of sympathy for my concerns. Then there's the nagging doubt that I misjudged their competence.

I think the stress of the past 3 years is finally catching up with me.

So the end of this chapter is that I have decided to stay with this surgeon and this hospital, and I finally got my schedule late this morning - TORS partial glossectomy on Oct 11 (my 28th wedding anniversary) and bilateral modified radical neck dissection on Oct 24 (two days before my 59th birthday). I'll never feel certain if this is the right choice but I feel better for having made one. Time to get back into battle mode!