Thank you all for all your words, which help more than you probably think. Because they are in writing, they are there for me to read and re-read and have a certain realness and permanence at a time when everything else seems as unreal and impermanent as a dream. At the same time, being able to write back to all of you gives me a chance to organize my thoughts and express my feelings in a way that helps me process all of this.

Our friends have all been pouring through the house during the afternoon and evening, to pay condolence calls and give me their company and bring food. I talk and talk and talk and often even forget that I'm not at a party, like so many other parties we gave together as a couple. On some of our friends' faces, I see the same disbelief that I feel and they shake their heads and have no words for me. Others, are starting to look sad, which means they have started to accept the fact that this is real and he is not coming back.

I know I'm stuck somewhere in the land of denial, but I feel like something, the end of denial? is coming. I feel it. And it scares me because I'm know that once the denial part gone, it'll be gone for good and I'll be completely unprotected and will have to actually feel the full brunt force of this.

My girls are doing okay, I think. Julie and I can talk and we seem to be traveling a relatively similar path. Lena doesn't really talk about any of it. She seems more upbeat and outgoing than usual, in fact much, much more outgoing than usual. I hardly recognize her. I'm not really sure what it all means.

But, we are surrounded by friends and family. We are definitely not alone, for now. We are making it through each day. I guess I should be grateful for that, for now.

Thanks again for listening,

Hillary