So many people on this board seem to know just the right things to say, I could never hope to be so eloquent. I would just like to say that I truly feel for you and wish you to find happiness in your life. "In the end, I don't want to be happy" sounds to me like "survivor's guilt" which I fully understand. I pray you find the strength to go forward.

David R. 65 yr old male non-smoker, light drinker, stage 3 or 4, depending on which doc you ask, scc rt. tonsil, 2 nodes, 7 weeks radiation and chemo. No surgery. Teatment ended 3/20/08. PET scan 8/08 showed no cancer.
And now, as of oct, 2010, caregiver to wife, Linda, with breast cancer.
May, 2013, Linda diagnosed with stage 3 ovarian cancer. Enuf already.