I feel as if I am on the verge of breaking and feel ashamed knowing that I should count my blessings. I wrote this not to...vent,complain or sound like a "victim" but more or less to share my voice which has been silenced. My beautiful niece, nephew and parents rely on me to stay strong. Here you all understand and I can write and not sound crazy although I sometimes wonder if I am and it does scare me. Kate and Liz I feel like a have you both on either side of me. One who has experienced and one who has witnessed. Your words comfort me. Sue you are right and everyone around me thinks I have been handling all of this quite well but darkness encompasses me. Morbid? No. Reality? Yes. Thank you for reminding me not to stay here too long. Charm thank you for sharing. A brother is something much more than just a sibling. Jorge was my rock, my friend, the one who made me laugh and the one who p----- me off. We shared so much and it hurts not to be able to pick up a phone and talk. Maybe , when I say I don't want to be happy is because I have been pretending too long and I can't anymore. I don't want to be happy in that way but it has been an awful long time since I have been happy in my immediate family that I don't know how to. Believe me my husband and children try and I, at times, follow along. Carol I will try. I will. I am afaid to lose control but I will. Jim, Thank you. A couple of boys in my class asked me how you were doing after they came back from lunch. They knew I was online. They were happy to hear you were doing well. Thank you all for listening. I must continue to heal and I don't know how I would have done it without you. I need to learn and you all are the best teachers.

Noemi