I find myself more and more coming to this site. Whether at work or at home, I am searching. It's almost been a year since my Jorge's passing and I look for him here. I wonder what his fears were, nod at things I understand, laugh at many playful comments and recreate the horrible days. I have tried to push it all away. To stop being angry. To feel some comfort. I do...for a moment. I come here for strength and peace. I don't know what it is exactly that I am searching for but I know that I am not the same. In the end, I don't want to be happy. Life goes on, so many say. It hurts...like I have never felt hurt. I rejoice at everyone's great outcomes and clear findings and I cry with those walking where I walked. I sit and read and feel as though there were something...to be done. This horrible "thing" has changed me and I question many things. It is a deep heart wrenching pain that no one seems to understand....until I am here. Why? Why can't I heal?